10.53 am
Just nag my girls again on prayer. Sometimes perhaps I put too much expectation on them....expecting them to behave like adult. I know sometimes i could be too much, but I know it is also part of growth for them. If they could grasp it....it will be good, if not...along their way, I pray they will learn too. This journey in hostel is all about prayer....the basis for this hostel is prayer. How the old girls are praying for God to vindicate them from the tyranny of previous warden, how I struggled to keep myself in the hostel despite the mockery of previous warden, how I persevere on with much prayers for things to change here, how from nothing to seeing how God brought the hostel into greater heights and improving academics, how God answers my prayer for rubbish bins, for roads, for supply of waters and many more things....the basis are all prayers.....how can I not stress on prayer here ? Lord please help me to guard my heart. I just wish these girls would know how much do I love them....and I understood how Christ cried and suffers as He was sent by Father to save the world, yet the persecution that He faced....so extreme and excruciating....and how can I complain as what I went through is nothing compared with what Christ went through to redeem me. Lord I just pray that You will help me to load all my burden to you.
Past weeks, each time I prayed for the students here, I just cant control my tears from flowing. Each time I commit them to the Lord, my heart just cried. Perhaps in my mind my time in hostel is numbered....not long, I will be leaving them...and how I wish that they would understand my heart for them, it is never to shame or punish them, it is never to scold...but it is that I love them, and I do want the best for them.
Being in the hostel, I had learned many things where marriage doesnt teach me. I had the opportunity to bring up kids, I had the chance to be a mom to many girls, I felt how a mom felt when a child rebel. I felt how a dad felt when he tried to bring his kids close to God and to see them went wayward, I could feel the pain a mom would feel when the kid disobeyed, lies, and rebel. I have the opportunity to experience this when I am not married. Past 2 years I had the opportunity to have people disagree with me, I had the experience of different ways of parenting, of how I give and take, and how I learn to stand on what is right. It is like having a partner whom I disagree, and yet have to resolve issues for the benefit of the kids here, for the testimony in the hostel. All these I know isnt coincident, but Abba had orchestra it for me. Lord, thank You, thank You for showing me all this...but yet my heart still feeling the pain amidst of all these valuable lessons. Lord teach me to submit fully to You as the Head of the hostel, as the Sovereign God....
Even for this medical condition, or whatever it may be called.....I know You wont allow me to go through what I cant endure. Even if i am to face disease, Lord let it be also a testimony of my life that people will see You are in me, and when You are in me, I will not be afraid....many times I shudder and tremble.....what ifs, but I know...there is no point to be thinking of the what ifs, because You have always been with me...I just want my life to be a living testimony...even to point of death, I know this call of Yours will never leave me, the call to reach others, the call to love others, the call to impart and impact...I know these are the things I needed to do......but at same time, I am like a wayward child at times....always wanting to run away from the call....like it is too much a burden to carry....but deep inside me I know who is carrying me....YOU.....have always been carrying me.....close to Your heart. So thank You Abba for not letting me go. Lord, please grant me strength....allow me to always lean on You and have the peace....help me not to be on my own....I need you every moment of my life...so Lord.....please always remind me that this is not my ministry but Yours. Help me not to force things to happen before its time. Guard my heart, Abba....that I will constantly stay focus in You!
THank You Abba, thank You Abba, Love You Jesus.......
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