I just dont know how to process my feeling - 21 March 2024

 21 March 2024

Already 3 months into 2024 and within a week more I will leave this place. In terms of students, I guess I feel very much comforted to leave, they have proven themselves worthy and they had took my challenge seriously, last year end result showed it all. Most of them did extremely well. the 7 prodigals of my F3, plus one at the right path did so so well. The steady one I expect to do well only but they all surprised me0.....6 of them are in Science class, which is a big surprise....and their hard work paid it off. My heart is so glad. The F2 also did very well, Nerly and Nicole also got unexpected result which i am so well pleased, not to leave the F1....oh boy....so so so well.....even the weakest and laziest also did super well.....I would say that is the biggest pride of my life. What me and mama Meng did really paid off. It makes whole lot of difference having an assistant which have same heart for the kids...we may have differences but our love for the girls is the same. I am really proud of them.

The only thing I am concern is the new warden.....from day 1 perhaps I already had bias towards her...how can a pastor and a new warden reporting to a new hostel, fully run Christian way did not even bring a physical bible ? She should be the shepherd for the girls....if the love for His words is not there...how far can this hostel go? There are many things I can say about the wrong things about her...but perhaps it is my bar that is too high...but Gods standard is even higher, isnt it ? She griefed me many times....coupled with pastor....many times I feel bullied here.....this hostel objective seems to divert now...not towards students welfare anymore but to the comfort of the warden. So sad....or perhaps there is this little jealousy that I wasnt been taken good care of, only my Father in heaven really showed me His love and favor...the rest are basically disheartening, but I know this call here...i pressed on...and finally today I see the fruits, I guess coz they feel the impact of me leaving and really that their last expression of love is just to do well academically, for this I am grateful. Lord, help me to guard my heart......teach me to release it to You! It is time to fully let go...all the hurts and disappointments...just let it go....the Lord knows....

2 girls from last year batch werent accepted back to hostel although the new warden said she would take them in, but after discussion, the answer is still NO. Was it her decision or the boss? I dont know, but my heart just break. What I had journeyed with this girl for 2 years now seems to have no more continuity. Will she be accepted back 2025? If this year she didnt catch up with her studies, I doubt she will be in next year. Hostel suppose to be a place of opportunity to bring ppl closer to God, esp those whom we think is teachable....I had journeyed with her much, she had proven herself worthy....but our pastor and new warden choose to use their own physical nature to judge things without considering what I had built past years...it is sad...all the more more sad because both are pastors...where are the shepherd heart ? I dont know, perhaps I am being oversimplistic....i dont judge people, I do whatever it takes to bring a person back to the kingdom of God....perhaps that is also one reason why I got so hurt easily coz I got involved in person's life easily. I wonder if Jesus is still in this world....what would He do? I believe He will do the same....did he reason so many things when He helped people? Did he consider the Father's kingdom when he bring the sinners to Him ? And why do we need to justify so much as of the person is worthy to be helped or not ? Lord, just help me to process this through. I was very angry....but I guess i shouldnt be feeling guilty about the anger, it is a holy anger....injustice done to my girl....the cultural background of the village...dont the 2 pastors know that we even have to educate the parents to grow? They made wrong decision, we are suppose to gently remind them and bring the best out of them....am I doing it wrongly in interfering what is the best for this girl? How can this be pushy and wrong? Lord, help me......seriously....hands are letting go....God, in the end You are the one who justify and they are answerable to You....so help me to rest my case....take the pain away from me. Fleshy speaking...I just wanna pack my bag and leave....this is really too much....for the sake of the girls....I tahan...1 more week....

The road ahead....I really dont know....but I know He will be in control...into Your hand I commit to You Lord!

UNTITLED 8 FEBRUARY 2024

 I've got plenty of time to kill in the airport, but time passed so fast that now it is 3.43 pm...by 445pm I will have to go take the 40kg luggage in the Fireflyz office as I pinjam the place there. Out of pity they keep my things so I can roam around. They thought I will go out from airport but I am just here, just do not want to sorong the trolley here and there and with the frozen prawn I have...oh Lord...I dont know how it melted there...if melted totally, will just bless them instead of taking it back to sister place. 

I dont know why but last few months been really taxing for me. Heavy bleeding, fell down, arm pain, bla bla bla....things are moving so so fast, that sometimes I just don't know where is my time. Packing my stuff been really emotional for me. Each time I see something that reminds me of the students, I will just cry. Sometimes I am thinking to myself...the struggles this few months, is it that the Lord is not pleased with me, is there some decision that I had made that is not of the Lord ? The emotional ups and down sometimes really make me feel that...God...take me HOME!!

Today is a classic example of everything go wrong. Past 2 weeks I dont know why, it is just like I have so much of negative confession. I am feeling like the devil is laughing at me..laughing at all my mistakes, my naiveness and sometimes I wonder, like Job....curse God and die....at times there is this feeling in me....It is really a battle. I have been feeling so troubled about my car, my packing, my handover, SPM kids, menu of the day...practically everything. But in front of people, I am still the calm and still Celina, trusting and always hanging on to God. I wish I would have someone who is more mature than me and I can totally cry out so loud...and asked....where is God really? YEa....He is good to me...all on hindsight....but am I denial? The whisper of the enemy is so loud that I sometimes failed to shut him off. I stumbled and fall....all behind curtain. Lord, please help me.

Last 2 cycle of connect is about love...not with hypocrisy....honor and forgive...all these are hard to churn message yet spoke so much to heart. How many times my heart been scarred and hurt...yet I moved on...no one to be blame but myself. Yesterday I shared in connect that I have no issue with forgiveness but issue with honour...but i guess the biggest enemy is myself. I always condemn myself. Why am I always needing people to approve of what I do ? Why am I depended on how people look at me ? They dont even feed me....why cares so much? Lord, only You know what is really happening to me....I ask that Lord, give me strength to soar in this life. I have alot fear when I am in sis house....even I know many things have changed....still....where is my identity ? I have always been others helper...but when I really need help, actually I dont really know who to turn to. I guess it has to do with trust issue. I just find it hard to trust that there is a genuine friend coz so many come and go....those whom I loved, those who used to be so close to me...in the end people moved on while I am still hanging on past memories....that is my one weakness....as much possible, i will try to make connection, try to catch up and encourage ppl to love God more...but at times, when I needed motivation...it is through Him that I got it....

Yesterday my heart grief coz things in hostel, today I missed my flight, but I managed to save a soul....I pray no more other hindrance....and later when weigh luggage I wont be charged overweight...Lord please help me go through this smoothly. I commit all to You Abba! You know best...please come and heal this broken heart over and over and over again, the disappointment with men...take it away so I can soar high without the negative thoughts in me...I am battling hard....real hard...not sure it is a good time that I will be out of job....idle mind is the room for the enemy to attack! Lord keep me occupy and fruitful. Thank You Abba.....I commit my life totally in Your hand!