Past 1 week was my worst nightmare in Jubilee Hostel. Cried buckets and there are moments where I felt I had no strength to carry on, but for sake for the students here, I had to press on. Despite all that I had done, the hostel is not spared from Covid. I guess the worst thing that hit me was that I kept thinking what went wrong. I had done all the necessary precaution, I had guarded them well, all my girls are aware of all the SOPs and I believe with all my heart and am confident that they understood well and adhere, though not strictly but they knew and the awareness is there....yet we lost it too.....
The worst is that I was all alone handling this...without clear direction from anyone....thankful for my spiritual father and mission friends and doctors friends who gave advice....but in the end...I am here to stay to face it on my own...the stress of handling 2 hostels at the same time, with girls here sick and etc...at same time needing to guard their emotions and the whole spiritual atmosphere of the hostel...and my own mental state....I have to guard it all against falling.....and so happen at the right time....I had known Edward from UK....at midnight hour...when I needed someone to pour out....he was there...not much he can do for me....except an ear to listen...and a prayer rendered to Abba...that is much more than enough...at just the right timing of my breakdown....talk about timing....How God never forsake me....sending even people as far as Scotland to minister to me.....
I am still asking Abba.....what is there to learn? and the whole feeling of anger of what if the opposite hostel management been managed properly...would this whole things erupt? And the suspicion of the whole thing began there....but now it seems that everyone think it started from my girls....I felt unjustified....is that something God wanna deal with me? But isnt everyone have to take responsibilities of what they have done? Isnt it unfair that this landed on me when I had done my best to safeguard my girls? Hmm...I dont know....my heart is just feeling so burdened.....and even as I think of the whole vision of the hostel now....would the students stay on ? Feeling like as if the enemy had triumph....that students will be back and then their education, their spiritual life going to be affected...and the enemy will win....what testimony there is then? And what is the purpose of this hostel then ? And what is my purpose here then with such little students ?
There are so many questions in my mind.....a sense of defeat....which I know it shouldn't be there....so Lord...please help me to make things right : (
Every day....each time I think of this episode.....I will just cry....I dont know...I just feel so defeated...although in front of students I am still feeling tough...but inside me...really I am finding all the strength I can get from Abba....inside me...so much of tension...only Abba would understand....Lord minister to this heart of mine please!
Teach me to be still before You Lord!
