I've got plenty of time to kill in the airport, but time passed so fast that now it is 3.43 pm...by 445pm I will have to go take the 40kg luggage in the Fireflyz office as I pinjam the place there. Out of pity they keep my things so I can roam around. They thought I will go out from airport but I am just here, just do not want to sorong the trolley here and there and with the frozen prawn I have...oh Lord...I dont know how it melted there...if melted totally, will just bless them instead of taking it back to sister place.
I dont know why but last few months been really taxing for me. Heavy bleeding, fell down, arm pain, bla bla bla....things are moving so so fast, that sometimes I just don't know where is my time. Packing my stuff been really emotional for me. Each time I see something that reminds me of the students, I will just cry. Sometimes I am thinking to myself...the struggles this few months, is it that the Lord is not pleased with me, is there some decision that I had made that is not of the Lord ? The emotional ups and down sometimes really make me feel that...God...take me HOME!!
Today is a classic example of everything go wrong. Past 2 weeks I dont know why, it is just like I have so much of negative confession. I am feeling like the devil is laughing at me..laughing at all my mistakes, my naiveness and sometimes I wonder, like Job....curse God and die....at times there is this feeling in me....It is really a battle. I have been feeling so troubled about my car, my packing, my handover, SPM kids, menu of the day...practically everything. But in front of people, I am still the calm and still Celina, trusting and always hanging on to God. I wish I would have someone who is more mature than me and I can totally cry out so loud...and asked....where is God really? YEa....He is good to me...all on hindsight....but am I denial? The whisper of the enemy is so loud that I sometimes failed to shut him off. I stumbled and fall....all behind curtain. Lord, please help me.
Last 2 cycle of connect is about love...not with hypocrisy....honor and forgive...all these are hard to churn message yet spoke so much to heart. How many times my heart been scarred and hurt...yet I moved on...no one to be blame but myself. Yesterday I shared in connect that I have no issue with forgiveness but issue with honour...but i guess the biggest enemy is myself. I always condemn myself. Why am I always needing people to approve of what I do ? Why am I depended on how people look at me ? They dont even feed me....why cares so much? Lord, only You know what is really happening to me....I ask that Lord, give me strength to soar in this life. I have alot fear when I am in sis house....even I know many things have changed....still....where is my identity ? I have always been others helper...but when I really need help, actually I dont really know who to turn to. I guess it has to do with trust issue. I just find it hard to trust that there is a genuine friend coz so many come and go....those whom I loved, those who used to be so close to me...in the end people moved on while I am still hanging on past memories....that is my one weakness....as much possible, i will try to make connection, try to catch up and encourage ppl to love God more...but at times, when I needed motivation...it is through Him that I got it....
Yesterday my heart grief coz things in hostel, today I missed my flight, but I managed to save a soul....I pray no more other hindrance....and later when weigh luggage I wont be charged overweight...Lord please help me go through this smoothly. I commit all to You Abba! You know best...please come and heal this broken heart over and over and over again, the disappointment with men...take it away so I can soar high without the negative thoughts in me...I am battling hard....real hard...not sure it is a good time that I will be out of job....idle mind is the room for the enemy to attack! Lord keep me occupy and fruitful. Thank You Abba.....I commit my life totally in Your hand!
