Friday, July 15, 2022

My head is aching "(

 Here am I.....not wanting to do anything.....my heart is so heavy, discerning whether is it time to move on..if it is...wouldn't God make it clear to me. Health is getting worst....from migraine to foot and now womb....what is wrong actually? I wish God could deliver me in a miraculous way....but guess it didnt happen, this thorn in flesh for my good ? Lord, i really don't know. All I know I am free from being bound.....I know I had overcome that....but why this pain still persist? Am I not walking in Your will ?

I had 3 emotional days, seeing Pastor Sam and his team ministering to my girls.....my heart always for them....I desire for them so much to grow and learn to love Jesus....but it always hurt me when they are not being obedient, perhaps my expectation is too high....sometimes I felt what I had poured to them is just pouring water down the drain...giving pearl to swine....but I know that is what the devil want me to think...it is not so....God sees all my tears, He sees all that I had poured to them...He sees how much I had sacrificed, finances, time and resources. But I just find it hard to overcome this barrier....my heart constantly battle with the thoughts that nobody cares. I know I am bless with my assistant now...I have a spiritual father that loves me much. what else do I want ? Lord, help me please....I really cant do it on my own strength....I wanted to be overcomer, but I always feel I am a defeater....reach my heart Abba.....

This is my 5th year....what would you have for me beyond this ? Lord, please help me to rise.....

Tuesday, February 22, 2022

13 Days in KK - Post Operation

Waiting for Mama Meng and hubby to pick me up and go back to KM. Past 13 days, it just passed just like that, yet i felt it was really a significant journey for me.
My worst nightmare came true, that if i was hospitalized or anything happen to me, i am alone to face it in Sabah, but God showed me that it shouldn't be the worst nightmare coz i had so so much love and support from many brothers and sisters in Christ, and even pre-believer friend. Before that I always think that I'm in a journey alone....3++ years in Sabah, nothing really major happening except for the covid infection in hostel. 2022 God finally provided a couple who really love people and Sabahans to come alongside with me...and there was I, hospitalized just at a time where i know hostel is in good care. Talk about timing huh 🤣
As I reflect back, how my heart felt so so thankful for everything that God brought me through. A friend who offer her house for me to recuperate, I met her in Johor when I was in core team taking care of medical students studying in Monash. Knew her housemate who is a dentist when I moved to Sabah. A senior whom I bumped into in Penang airport when I moved to Sabah...he happened to open his business here and been a constant help for me too. A mission friend whom I met once for a trip to Cambodia, who moved to Penang and became my friend and she was transferred to Sabah for work....and many more friends I met along my journey.....they were here for me...near and far....when my family can't be with me. Is all this coincident ? Definately not.....God know how to orchestra things so it work for the good of those who love Him. How I am in awe thinking of how God been so good to me.
Year 2022 start with many challenges but I know it is for building me, and so much God had spoken that at times it felt so overwhelming....Lord help me to always yield to You....to love You with all my heart. To focus on You as my source of strength and not to look to man but to the One who have made me....
I am going back to KM with fresh revelation, and I know God is doing many more great things in my life and I pray He will give me strength to break every unintended stuff in my life and to fully surrender myself to Him....it has really been a journey....I'm eternally grateful to Him...thank You Abba....love you so so so much 💞