30 November 2015, a month before bidding 2015 goodbye

It had been 2 months since I came back from Sabah...spent a month in Hawaii and it has been a month I was back in Penang....

This 2 months brought me so much tears, the painful lessons that I have to learn along the way, I stumble and fall, but God always pick me up again. When the time I was in my desperade situation, it's always the time I was left all alone...and this is exactly how the Lord deal with me, to focus just in Him rather than men...

Coming back to Penang again is quite a scary things for me somehow, the trauma of all the negative words spoken against me...the discouragements I received and also heart issues which needs to be dealt with...and I just can't do it in my own. Was like a yoyo for some time, but now I am declaring this to come to past; I am highly favored, deeply loved, greatly bless! I guess in ministry that's what would happen, and I believe everything I had gone through are preparation for me, in life there would be much hurts, esp from the loves one...that's why my heart have to be really tough...things would work out fine when I am in a place where nobody knows me...because I went in as ministers...people look up to me, but when I'm back to my own home, and if I were to be in a ministry for a permenant period of time...that's where all the rubbings would come...and if I am so sensitive and easily hurt, I think I would be doom...so I have to really train myself to put up an armour of God...to help me in this journey, with belt of truth buckle around my waist, breastplates of righteousness, shoes ready with the gospel, shield of faith with which extinguish the darts from the enemy, helmet of salvation and sword of the spirit which is the word of God. In all these, pray in the spirit as how the Lord leads....

I really cannot be bothered by how other people look at me but what does the Lord really is saying? Many times opposition will just come, and I gotta just move on and on and on...

Last Saturday again the Lord speaks something which is unreasonable...with a very heart I have to listen...if it is from Him, and I test it out, my faith would rise again, Lord, as i painfully give it all to You, You, You will return it to me back with many many folds.

Many times its really very scary...but when He speaks, He will bring it to past...

So Lord I am trusting You....and You shall bring it to past....

 

Post Haggai

Another month since the last time I blogged. Now at car workshop to repair the holes of my tyre coz of nail which for whatever reason stuck to my tyre, well, blessing in disguise, at least now I know my front tyre are bald and need to do alignment and balancing which I never did before for 2 years, how ignorant I am...

Came back home and I have so much to handle and deal, but Gods strength is with me, at times feel I'm so worn out, I kept hanging on to Him...all I know Abba Father have deal with me much...and I know He will continue to do so. Despite how gloomy the situation is, I had learned one thing, to keep in prayer and tell no one, human always fails but God never and it's really so exciting when experiencing that tangible love of God in my life...and it's all about Him and nothing about me.

I am just a human full of sins and with my sinfulness God came and redeem me and I ought to live my life as a prince and not pauper...I just wish that those struggling same thing as me would also experience Father God...

Life is full of pains, but the joy of pains is seeing our inner self grow and be renew by the Lord, pity is one who is blinded to see the truth, as enemy constantly sow seed of deception, when we think we know it all, it's when the pitfall begin...so we ought to guard our life and mind against unwholesome things and keep our heart open...and allow God to work and speak into our life...

Thank You Lord, for you have been the healer of my heart, my advocate, my all in all...

2nd Day at Haggai

Today as I walked alone at the beach, I pondered on my life...each day is a blessing...

As I sit and listened to each participants of what they do and what's their vocation, I feel so small, they are co-founder of organization, CEO, general manager, doctors, film producer, and most are holding high position and here they are in Haggai, being equipped more for His work, but why am I here? Just to hear Gods call and confirm it? Have He spoken but I do not hear it? He had arranged and I had missed it? 

But He whisper in my heart, if not because of Haggai, I will not be bold and take that step of faith to resign from work. If it's not of Haggai, Sabah won't look so attractive for me, if it's not because of Haggai, I would not seriously think about my vocation and Gods calling. Everything just fall into places, and God is IN it! One set of footprint, it's where when God is carrying me....and it's just that one step of footprint in the sand. 

Looking back, if I had not obeyed Him in faithfully giving towards various needs and tithing, I guess I won't be greatly bless this way. Not easy, but when God challenged and I obeyed, He provide for all my needs. So far I have lacked nothing, though with physical eyes, I loose many things, but in His kingdom I had gained much. There must be some form of sacrifices, but count it all joy because the reward is great in heaven. I am not boasting in my own personal life, but I am boasting in the Lord. If not because of the call, my leg would not be scarred coz of many insects bites, I would not have to go thru changes of enviroment that consumed my energy so much, I would not missed so much of my times with my family members, friends and my loved one. But God kept assuring me....before I came to Hawaii, I had dinner w brother and I played and carried Merlyn, and she did not cry. My sis in law was saying me and Merlyn had fate, coz every one that carries her, she would cry because unfamiliarity, but when I carry, she was just calm in my embrace..deep in my heart I knew...because I loved my nieces and nephews, when I was back home, they would recognise me, because that is my concern i raised to God before I left for ministry. He cares for all the little things in my life. All things work together for good to those who love Him. The sacrifice would be worth it all....

Feelings

Words can't describe my feeling now. These 5 months are really full of ups and down...many times I asked the Lord, have i heard right? Am i following His will? I guess in a way I shouldn't digest too much into it...and believe God really have His way. Throughout this 5 mths i really had learned a lot, and I know He is still not done with me.

I am thankful for friends that come along my way, some are for moment, some lasted long, some are touch and go, no matter what, I know He is still faithful, bringing each into my life for reason and season. Along the way, there are certain things I had picked up, and there are some I need to dispose. But I know God will help me through, friends that come by, I know surely it's not coincident but God has made the path cross, and I pray, along the way....I'll learn to appreciate and continue to be a testimony. Many times I always thought that im alone, but I guess I haven't learn to appreciate all those who are praying for me, many of them, my spiritual father and mother, my Sunday school teachers, SSK teachers, my acquaintances and all those who kept encouraging me when i lost hope, but sad that I had only looked to one man, but I guess it's not too late...I better learn my lesson well this time, otherwise I'll still be back to the cycle...

God, let the trip in Hawaii be a defining moment for me..I know all this is not coincident. He had made it possible for me, thank You Jesus. 

Friends come and go, along the way, they leave marks in my life...whether good or bad, God allows it to happen. Just thankful for everything that He had brought me through

Countdown to Hawaii...Aloha...

Been quite some time din have the time to pen my thoughts. Life is full of ups and downs and I know God have really mould me and shape me all this 5 months in the village. I know there are still much to learn and change, by His grace I will be able to do it. 

I witnessed how God really moved so mightily in the youth camp in Sarawak, and how God had ministered to me. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speakth. I had been listening too much of lies of the enemy that make me so weak, I have to learn to process it with good thoughts. Today I'm again amazed at series of events that make me feel so assured again despite the heartache and troubles...indeed it's true that sometimes we just want to at our comfort zone because that's the safest but oftentime God will place us at most uncomfy situation that requires so much of dying to self in order for Him to be lifted up. 

I have not learn to love myself enough, that's why I couldn't receive love...and that cost many troubles in life, but I'm learning, each day is a brand new day. As  I'm embarking on a new journey, I pray the Lord will just guide my path. Sometimes just gotta go by faith. The better days are out there!

Lord Jesus, Thank You for sending Your Son to die for my sins. I will not stand condemn by what others spoken towards me, because I am special, always very special in Your eyes. Thank You for being so patient with me, providing me the very best for me.

I kept falling in love with Him

21 sept 2015 930am

Am at kindy teachers training now, flesh wanted to rest but heart wanna be a part of them. Though don't really understand whole flow of training but I still attend and be helper as much as I could, meet this gal name Rebecca, she's Caucasian; giving her life for the work of ministry as well, really encouraged to see ppl who have heart for God not counting the cost. Talked to her and she's such a nice lady, can feel she's a gracious gal...she knew some teachers not teaching well, but she does not rebuke, but what she told me is that teaching should come with the heart, the Lord will convict, so she it's not up to her to rebuke and it's not based on punishment or rebuke that they will do better but conviction of the Lord and of course love, and the Lord will definitely convict...such encouragement. And she speaks good Bahasa!! Salute...many many mat salleh I met in Sabah that gave their life to the Lord serving...will I be one of them I wonder...

This few days I had been sleeping quite late and still wake up 6am, felt body is abit low batt, God sustain me! Thank God for all the good sharings I had with new friends I met and Rumba...I know God have plan for me, I just need to listen and really obey...ystd sermon by the guest speaker also just for me...God is really good...

Tomorrow will travel into interior again, hihi, then wednesday flying off, I just can't rest at home, haha...but I know God will give strength...abit sleepy though...

Live post finally

Now am able to post online finally...had finished uploaded all my post written in village, now am updating real time blog.

Thank God I safely reached KK, travelling alone in the bus with 2 luggages and 2 boxes of my barang. Praise God for good journey and faithful servant of God who never fail to pick and drop me each time I come to KK. 

Looking back at all the post, can't imagine I am doing all this. It is really God who had lead me so far and I know He will continue to lead. I just have to rest and trust in Him. Lord, help me to rest in You! 

This few days I hope I can have enough rest for Sarawak mission trip and then will fly to US for the Haggai conference. Indeed God is good. Still many things not put in place but soon it will I pray. Will be joining the teachers training this sunday - Tues and then Wed straight fly to Kch...still have not done packing to estimate how heavy is my luggage, whether do I need to check in. I'll probably leave most of my things here la...Lord, thank you for your protection so far, and a very meaning journey for past 5 months. I guess the most unforgettable things is how God really arrange my transport from KK-Tenom-kemabong, to and fro, despite the inconveniences. Also how the Lord bring diff strangers to fetch me to where I wanna go. All these aren't coincident coz no such things as coincident coz really it wouldn't happen just like that, it's really divine and I surely know God is in it :) 

Still rise as early as im at village now though I'm out in the town...still feeling blur blur but it's going to be a good day coz God with me. Look forward for the camp and back home :) all glory, honor and blessings belongs to Him!

Doa Dan puasa

Sunday Service

13 Sept 2015 10.08am

Today we have fasting n prayer service again, I'll be sharing at 4th session, hope by then the villagers still awake. I was so touched during the worship, we sang ampunilah dosa kami, selamatkan bangsa kami, the song is about restoration, and I feel this song is so appropriate for building prayer altar...God that U will heal our land. I don't understand Murut, so now typing here while putting thoughts on place. 4 more days I'll be down to KK, pray God will help me arrange my  transport down coz I'm with many things, as how He did previously, He will do it again, I just have to trust Him!

My thoughts are everywhere today, missing home...and also thinking of whether I will bring my car to Sabah, will i continue to serve here? Is he willing to join me in Sabah? Many uncertainties, guess in all that I just need to continue to trust Jesus coz He is the author and perfecter of my faith....

4 more days...sure I'm going to miss them again...but somehow I have more heart for the Kapulu, probably coz spiritually they are more needy...here at Ahuron, ppl are quite all right, most of the young ppl know how to read, even those don't know they have heart for God, and knows how to pray...so my presence here not much needed as Kapulu...

Anyway, where's next again? That's the question I don't have an answer, I can only continue to pray and commit to God....  

8.12pm

Praise God this morning I had good time sharing with them about prayer and fasting, pray I'd explained well...now at night service and again I'll be sharing...my head is aching, whole day I din manage to rest, from morning till now, had quick dinner thinking I can rest but then villager came n gave me wild boar again, so I have to cook it, and I fried half n half cook soup, and now I'm really low batt liao, Lord, grant your servant strength ! I guess I'm tired coz period...din expect it will be so soon, God is good nevertheless, I thought I don't have to go through the inconvenience of period here, somehow I have to go through it and still give thanks. Lord, grant me health and strength! Even as I share your words, You anoint my mouth to speak forth Your words...thank You Jesus...

September eleven

11 Sept 2015, 2.07 pm

Finally have some time to rest coz din cook much today, just steam and goreng fish, plenty of food today, 3 chicken wings, 4 buns, 8 fishes, 2 avocados, wow I am super blessed. So bless coz all are my favorite, esp avocado, it's so expensive over at town, but here I can have it anytime, the villagers have their own plant...God is really good. I know I can't have everything so perfect but where God place me really is perfect in His plans for me. Here although water is issue, but I have plenty of food and won't be lacking in nutrients, unlike kapulu. If I had the same food as I had at kapulu I think my body won't last coz the water really not clean here...though I'm feeding on mineral water now, when I make drink and mandi I am still using the tangki water, and I think my body won't take it...I guess my body is really tough and tahan-ing now...coz every night I could feel that my throat is so dry and sore, but each morning when I wanna teach it's ok...so it's really very not natural that my body able to take it, it must be divine....If only the water here is good and got line here, I really won't mind staying long, haha...but what does the Lord actually say? The ppl here are quite self sufficient, I am not doing much here too, for the literacy class, it's really tough but anyway I know ultimately not me but God....

Ystd we had prayer at every house in the village, due to a word of knowledge given by a villager...and I also joined and asked to Amin-kan doa 2 times, really need to be ever ready here, quite a challenge for a BM like mine...anyway at least the villagers really have heart to pray, for whatever reason it is...fear or really wanna obey the word of knowledge. Not sure what the lady had spoken to the church so far, but she seems to be like a lady prophet to the church...Today Murina said to me that that night really the boy had manifestation and after prayer he became calm, well, I don't want to comment further but just commit to God and ask the Lord to forgive me if I had passed judgement and grieve the spirit. I'm not sure have I sinned, the bible said if we blaspheme against spirit it's unforgiven sin, but what does it really mean? Am still pondering on it...

Countdown, 6 more days, Lord I pray everything will go well, not sure how am I gonna pack my stuff and go Tenom alone..Lord help me...You have always proven faithful to me, so am just trusting You la...

It's very very windy now, wind is so so strong, wonder elsewhere is there anything happening? Any more quake? How is political situation at malaysia now? Would Najib step down? How is mom? sis? Joel and Jared? Joseph? The 3 J's in my life...how about brother and Michelle and Merlyn? Last msg mom sent me was that Merlyn and Michelle slept over in the evening at mom house and mom says Merlyn is cute...how I miss all of them....shouldn't I reach out to my own family first? If I would to decide to stay put at Sabah, how would my relative see me? Leaving mom and serve God? Is that good testimony? Lord, You know best what's in my life, I surrender all to You.

7.30pm

Just had my dinner, can't help but broke down at dinner table, this past one week, my days are all full and occupied, and I have not felt tired or worn out instead have the joy of the Lord. As I had my meal, I'm so thankful despite all, and I'm really happy to be able to teach the kids, sing with them and pray with them. From morning prayer with Ibus before class, then immediately after class primary Sch kids will come to me for revision and I'll be cooking my lunch sambil teach, till 1-2pm...then have a it rest, 3pm resume class till 5pm. Today is most pack coz after that I had bible class with kids, and then followed by revision again. Those kids from Kemabong is back, and can see the difference in their standard of studies compared kids at kampung sch...such huge difference, is it merely teachers or really parent does matter? Hmm...Lord, help the kids in this village..

Life at village really simple...and I'm asking myself why do I tend to complicate things? Why I could be so self giving to other but to my closest am not careful with my words...I just feel I am giving my all to the ministry, without return but why am I expecting from my other half so much? If only I could just release and go with the flow, the only reasoning is that I'm not permanent here...if I am, will I get bored and lost focus and thinking to escape as well? Well, these are the questions I need to find out...long term...how long? Lord...only You know....

Even as I lay to sleep tonight, Daddy, speak to me...that I will be like Samuel, when you call, I'll say speak Lord for your servant hears....

Now waiting for the young gals to come and I'll have bible study with them, still thinking what to share, guess listening to God would be the topic, based on Rick Warren sermon, translated into English, would also love to hear from villagers how they hear from God...would be more of sharings than preaching la...pray God will lead us :)

Attacks

10 September 2015 9.30am

The Ibus are writing now and I can rest awhile. Am super lethargic coz ystd din have a proper sleep. Went to bed at 9pm, 10plus was woken up by lights - it was insects with glow, kind of interesting to see how bright it is actually, then tried to sleep back but then heard very loud voice, ppl praying loud and rebuking enemy...I was like...har...in the middle of night in a peaceful village also have manifestation of spirit meh? Was contemplating should I go see or not...anyway I decided to go, and to my surprise they are rebuking the spirit out of a austism kid. Not sure he's autism or down symdrome...don't have the expertise to differentiate but he's 10 years old yet can't walk...poor little boy...all of them prayed so loud to cast of the spirit, and in my heart I was asking the Lord, what is this false spirit ? They based their judgement on a prophesy of a lady...the lady said the boy is possessed and therefore the ppl believe...and by end of the thing, I was asked to pray...and I took this good opportunity to explain to them that this boy is special kids, probably there is sth that scares him that makes him scared and shouted, but villager still insist that when they pray the boy stopped...anyway, I just prayed for safety and blood of Jesus to protect the family and the village...and then commotion ended...

After that I went back but I couldn't sleep, was asking the Lord, what is it all about? Is the lady sound? What she prophesy, is it real? Last week she also said many many things in church...and I was also abit sceptical, and I ask the Lord to forgive me and help me not to have judgemental heart but be led by His spirit, until now I still have no answer...I shared my opinion to the kindy teacher, she din hear anything coz sound asleep...but she said will find out...God help me to have discernment!!! We really not fighting against flesh and blood but against principalities of the dark forces...Lord, help me not to judge! 

Nine Nine 2015...haha

9 Sept 2015 5.43pm

Just finished class, I find it's hard for the mom to write, so I guess I would just concentrate on reading only. Today I learnt that when you find joy in the things you do you will do it well, and focus is the key,'compared with Kapulu, I guess I have taught better at Ahuron, coz the focus is really there, I don't have to prepare lesson for the kids and just concentrate on the adult class and I did a lot of writing on papers for them to read, I guess I'd improved compared with Kapulu, indeed experience is a good teacher, but am wondering how come in rship i doesn't seems to really learn by experience? Haha...probably different scenario. I wonder how can teachers who taught for years remain stagnant, coz when I teach I feel that I'm improving, probably still sth new to me, Mayb if I'm really a teacher I would be also bored and run out of idea. 

Today as I ponder on Gods word, somehow there is this impression, God will place you to do things other ppl can't do, I'm not sure where I read this, but suddenly it dawn on me deep today, yea, something that I do good that other ppl may not be able to do so, it's my tenacity to stay in the village with basic necessities, and I could survive...this is not what everyone can do, and I should do it well, I kept saying to ppl im mission material, yea I guess so, this is my call, and should I give up because of relationship? Well, I don't know...just pray that he would have the same heart, and vision, otherwise I guess it would really be hard to come together as one. How I really wish that he would be the one, really feel tired paktoh-ing without settling down eh....it has been some time I haven't have a good talk with him, just feeling sth is so missing 😞sometimes still thinking whether God intend me to be single...huhu...shouldn't think so much already la... This 3 weeks I had been thinking deep, with no distraction, and somehow my heart just need to trust Him...total surrender, that's what it means....

Besides the water problem I am actually fine here, but I guess my calling is still children ministry, not so much of adult coz I seems to be quite shy still with the Ibus...not very connected yet, probably language barrier...

Come to calculation of months I'm at Sabah, actually it had been more than 5 months stay already, from 13th April to 23rd Sept 2015...and actually in between I had only spent 2 weeks break at home...other than that it's just seminar and time at KK...time really flies. 5 months I had not been working and out of income, well, God is faithful, I believe He will continue to supply...I had no lack...whereas how long still I will be in Sabah, I don't know, Lord, You lead me. It's quite scary to commit to a ministry and get paid...so I still prefer to be on my own, but how long my saving can last me? Hmm...don't know...just have to take one day a time lah...

Today I find the weather abit hazy, at up high place here it's hazy, wonder how is Penang...loss of connection, seriously don't know what's going on with the world, haha..

Tolerance level tested

8/9/15 8am

Waiting for my students to come. Spend some time typing, hp batt gonna be flat off, so might as well finish it off, my solar panel can't charge the USB, so haha, have to wait this Thurs to charge when there is service, now survive on power bank but need conserve it for my travel to KK next week, time passed, one more week I'll be down, heart feel glad coz water run low here at same time heavy coz I don't think the teaching for literacy can be continued..don't know whether I'll come back again. And I wonder how many boxes I'll carry with me next week back KK, pray for good weather and favor.

Ystd dream very very weird dream, each time I dream I don't seems to understand the dream, perhaps I should ask for the Lord to reveal, each time I would just pray that God will speak but I do not specifically say how He will speak, so tonight, I'll pray God will interprete the dream for me. Less than one month I'll be in US, and travel alone...pray that all be good; most important, I pray I'll be able to settle my stuff when I'm back pg, even just 5 days before I fly, God help me to establish all that I needed to back home...

Now at this village, I spent more time praying for prayer request with the Ibu's...feel like early devotion is with them...I still can't establish deep prayer session with the Lord...sigh...its best time to really pray and seek Him, but often time im still occupy with other things although at a village without line and wifi, that how the enemy distract us eh...

6.27pm

After back from sentral, the water tank level became so low and juz now when I bath, I could see jentik jentik in the water, I still bath nevertheless but my heart feel very geli, and now just feel like having gatal gatal over my body, it's just a feeling, Lord, speed my days here...I can live without food, electricity, line, wifi, but just can't tolerate dirty water 😪 the villager say they will connect water to the tank tonight but still,..the tank is so dirty, and I just feel shy to ask them to wash the tangki...sigh, one more week, Lord please jaga my health, really really miracle I could go thru all this...under no choice circumstances, I can still endure, but if I am to come back, I really have the fear of my life..Lord please help me! I'm counting down..9 more days, Lord I really need your assurance. Please guide me and show me that what I did here really bring progress to village and not just someone who came and cause them to trouble coz I can't used to their water system...I guess I would have to mandi sungai and wash baju at sungai if the water does not come...will my baju be clean? Even now, my legs oredi had a lot marks of mosquitoes and insects, all these are coz of dirty kitchen and toilet where so much mozzie around. I have no problem in room coz I kept it clean, but kitchen and toilet beyond what I can do...indeed I really consider myself wonder women liao...only because of God...I can go through this...what other religion that would touch ppl to go this extend har? Only Christ, the Lord, His love so ever significant that He sent His Son to die for us, so we may follow Him and die to self in our service to Him....it's such a real experience, that God is so real that I can go thru all this....all because He first love me.....

4th Sept 2015

4th Sept 2015 8.30pm

Haha, today I discover actually the solar panel has a USB port, so which means I can charge my hp at night when I on the light, hihi, so now not scared to continue using my hp for games and also wrote notes coz later I can put it to charge, but not sure 5V is all right and won't spoil my hp batt? Anyway my hp pun not new one, so it's okla, when spoil got ppl will bless me again, haha! 

I am really thankful for Him for all the things I am experiencing here, each day, time spent with Abba Father is so precious, many things my heart concern, but I can only lay it at the feet of Jesus, He is good, am also going through the Elijah House materials and trying to seek root cause to issues of life and I pray that in this 2 weeks He really would do a deep work in me, feel so liberated knowing that the power of cross that sets me free. Not that I'd not known before, but just that this time, He really ministers and speaks deep into my heart. Most important I guess is that there's practically no distraction here, esp that now at night I could quiet myself alone, in the cool breeze as I have electricity here already...each moment spent w Him is just so personal, the trust and faith built...oh..it would not go to waste...

Okie, time to charge my Hp and test see how long would it take to fully charge...tomorrow will be at Sumambu, come to think about it, each village I had actually stayed twice, first when I first came, I camped at Ahuron, Katubu, Sumambu, Kapulu, then when I'm stationed at Kapulu, I did went for Sentral at Katubu again, and then tomorrow Sumambu...and Ahuron here, am staying for longer period...God is good, just look forward meeting Sumambu ppl, at least they are more of same frequency as me...haha...Uni grad at least :) not to compare, but indeed can see difference between those who had seen the world compared with those only constrained at village :) all things work for good nevertheless :) 

Note: usb don't work for my iPhone, wonder why, anyway doesn't matter coz I'm already back at KK, praise God 

17 Sept 2015

3rd Sept 2015

3 Sept 2015 9.40pm

Just finished service. Again I'm preaching and I just got to know instantly after worship...when I was asked to pray for the khutbah...normally when U preach, it's you who will take over worship and pray before sermon. I was like...har?? Me again? Less than one week I already preached 3 services...and it's so impromptu, esp this time, but somehow I just shared bit here n there, this time really totally no sermon notes eh...just speak what's in my heart, indeed my 4 mths in sabah really deepened myself w word of God whereby I can quote quite a lot scriptures instantly, perhaps it's really work of the Holy Spirit...

Tomorrow will be one week I'm here and I'm adapting quite well, though weather here abit hot, but at least at night I won't freeze la like in Kapulu...but noon always sweat like mad...but quite used to it oredi I guess. I can mandi twice here, though it's rain water but at least I have a closed toilet where I can mandi, haha...and it's always amazing that someone like me who's so afraid of cold can mandi at any time now, even at night, with torch...if combined the water at kapulu with toilet here, I'll be a happy girl :) anyway I know indeed God had watched over me, and I know all these experiences had mould me...not one time it's wasted...

This weekend will be at Sumambu for Sentral, then I'll have wifi and I think my watsapps would explode liao...most important have to arrange with Rumba to pick me up from KK...and I have to sort my things out whether to bring to Kuching or put all back at KK, still don't know how is everything...but again I'll trust Him la...

3 days without wifi and line...seems quite ok for me, actually am not so dependent on it...but just when have it I'll tend to use la...I am getting to know myself better and I want to be a confident girl, one that God so loved and not to allow negative things to come and make me down...praise God for all things...He is really really good...

 

Where is the heart for building up future generation?

27 aug 2015 11.20am

I'd been charging my hp in the classroom for the past one week, no class seems to be on...so pathetic la...what are all the teachers doing here? How can the children progress? Sigh..Lord, please stir the heart of the teacher here...let them aware, if in the future their kids are placed under such teacher their future would be gone as well...

17 Sept 2015

Can really testify that indeed kids in villages are poor in term of their learnings compared with town. Had taught 2 bright std 2 kids who studies at Kemabong primary Sch, and they know so much more vocab compares with a std 4 kids in the village sch...haizzzz....teachers fault or parent?

2 sept 2015

2 Sept 2015 3pm

Waiting for Ibu to come for lesson. I have with me 8 Ibus from Ahuron. All of them doesn't know any letters, so practically I'm starting from zero. Not feeling very well now, too well fed I guess. Vomited all that I ate in the afternoon...so nice that today I haf cherry tomato after so so long and it's my favorite, probably eaten too much that my stomach can't take it, prior to that I took rambutan lagi, haha...so all the campur campur makes my tummy bloated. Thank God now am all right :) and ready to teach :)

3 Sept 2015 9am

In midst of class again, it's really trying my patience, they really hard to catch up, what am I suppose to do? Lord teach me to be creative. Thank God ystd the villagers pasang solar at pastor house. So now at night I have my electricity already, no need use torch anymore...this village is more giving, not to compare but really the principle of sowing and reaping is indeed so real, they are more giving, therefore they also received much and I believe God has blessed them much too...those who are generous the Lord indeed will bless. The ppl here are more industrious as well, they really have more plantation and a lot vege they planted themselves, so they are quite blessed. 

Looking at the speed of teaching, am abit doubtful I can have student that would really read by end of the day  :( should I come back here then ? Sigh, don't know ler, if here got line would be good, it's raining heavily now, my bathing tank would be full by now...hmm, really cannot imagine myself mandi-ing with rain water and drinking from tank which are many many days in the tank, but anyway really thank God for the ppl here who really care of my welfare, in terms of food, I have no lacking, so much of babi to eat and also now they purposely install solar at my place...I can consider bless oredi...Lord, help me to continue to give thanks...

Everyday I had ppl giving me babi, and I won't lack meat here compared with Kapulu...so far since I'm fasting really have plenty food to eat everyday and can't finish. Here the best is that I don't have to cook rice, so save one more job :) but miss also to fried rice. The rice they cook too lembut, so can't fried de...till now my throat still abit pain, everyday just claim healing...Lord help me with teaching

4th Day

At town again, supposedly to meet up representation for Impian Sabah, but she couldn't make it suddenly, and I am not aware of it coz no line...abit disappointed coz the villager fetch me down thinking really have serious discussion. My first instinct was that whether they serious in helping or just entertaining? Well, should give benefit of doubt I guess, sometimes I think I'm abit naive to think that NGO can help...anyway, it's ok, still will be meeting some representation from Tenom..and I hope he turn up...haizzz

It's my fourth day, things are fine, of course there are inconvenience, but looking at bigger picture the inconvenience shouldn't be an obstacle lar...

My bathing water comes from this tank, rain water eh...3 days bathing, skin still ok, lol...Gods grace, seriously feel im such a mission material lah....

Already started my first session bible story w the kids...at Ahuron not many kids, coz most of them at Kemabong or SK Korolok...the kids here needs to walk one hour to school, so kasihan...

My humble zzzz place, these few nights had good god sleep, haha...thank God I'm used to the weather at kapulu, so at Ahuron not that cold compared Kapulu...

This is the church :) nice church...not completed yet, only have wall...whenever there is church service I can charge my phone and one week they have 4 services, so doesn't matter no batt also coz no line there afterall :) 

Beautiful moon for past 2 nights :)

In everything give thanks and I'll be happier..know God is always always with me..and I should be glad coz I am His

At Kemabong again

30 Aug 2015 9.35 am

My first Sunday service at Ahuron. Message from 1 kings 8:54-61

God will keep His promises, His Church will be filled and God will be with in our midst. Tuhan akan menyertai, sepertimana Dia menyertai nenek moyang kita.

This is my 3rd day here, I'm abit worry of the water system here, but I just have no choice but just to trust God. My throat is abit pain, not sure it's coz ajinomoto or its water not clean w bacteria, Lord, regardless what it is, You know and You are in control. I have 12 bottles drinking waters, pray it can last me for another 2 weeks. Not sure tomorrow I'll be able to get to Tenom to meet Lilian, Lord You arrange all...

My bathing water are from pipe plus rain water...Oh Lord, You know me, thank You that You delay my reaching here...probably U know my level of tenacity :) despite all this, I guess I'm quite fine...it's just a matter of getting used to it...so far been 3 days and I'm still all right...

8pm...

Today we had 7 hours of prayers and fasting...really encouraged to see how this village is so hunger after God and his word, one week they have 4 services, Sunday morning & night, Thursday, and Saturday night...oh I pray You will bless the villagers here...

Ystd night I shared about my testimony how I am here...I guess I wasn't really prepared then...heart still very unsettled...and tonight again I am sharing...using back the message I had for Kapulu...hope that's what the Lord have laid in my heart, these ppl know the word more, listened more, but what is the condition of the heart? As I shared, You minister to me as well...thank You Lord, today is going to be a good night. Just now also I had started class with the adults, 7 of them, and I pray I will teach with patience coz they totally doesn't recognise any letters at all...help me Lord, and most of all Your anointing be upon Your people, not so much of me but You...stomach was feeling abit painful, probably coz long hour of fast, claim His healing for gastric and sore throat...TQ Jesus, You are good...

As usual, village time are rubber time...never start on time, but I'm used to it already, been almost 3 months in the village already :) tomorrow they are able to fetch me down to meet Lilian...but I can't contact her, haizzz, pray she would be here...Lord, You lead me, to do the right thing...TQ Jesus...

Second day at Ahuron 29th Aug 2015

Finally am here, now I see why the delay of me coming here, I guess everything happen for a purpose...

Am staying at pastor house, beside the tadika, big and spacious place but not so much of privacy like in Kapulu, kitchen and toilet is at the other side of building...and ystd I just bath in an open air...wow...can't imagine the condition here is worst than kapulu. The water here is stored at tangki, and the tangki is moldy, and that's their source if drinking water 😒 Lord, this village needs more help and support! And why aren't the government looking at their welfare of these people? Probably there's no school over here, so the facilities and infrastructure is bad as well..

Came down to Kemabong to settle some kindy stuff, good that I can have my line utilized :) 

My mandi place cum toilet, haha..

The place where I stay. This tangki doesn't hold gravity water like in Kapulu :( it's rain water unfortunately...haizzz..

Pray for safety and health for me here ya, I believe it's gonna be fruitful one despite the inconvenience :)

Kitchen..all is within some vicinity...

27 Aug 2015 450pm

Line here seems to be very bad that it took quite some time to load the blog. Suppose to go another village Tues but somehow I waited but no one picked me up, so am still waiting, tomorrow will follow people from Yayasan Sabah down, hopefully they know the way there...and they can graciously help me carry all my bArang barang...really amazing how God bring other ppl to fetch me at times, the Ketua Sidang have transport, but I also don't know why he doesn't offer to drop me, I guess he is following the principle of whichever village im suppose to go to, they should come and pick me. Well despite the discussion during Kalimaran, still things not work as it is...Ahuron doesn't have reception of any telco nor wifi, so the only way to contact is at kemabong, when have line, but even with that, looking at my experience guess the people here memang flexible and its culture is just wait. Apparently there is no vehicle to bring me down, thank God Rumba managed to get them and told me their vehicle spoil, at least today I did not repack and unpack again and I just take today easily, reading alot of scriptures and pray. 

Tomorrow hopefully I'll be safe and sound there..these 2 days been raining, pray tomorrow weather would be good and I can travel without much hassle there, Lord, I know everything is within Your control, all I need to do is just to trust! And Lord make way also for me to meet the impian Sabah people. Am not very politically inclined but if the political party can help, why not? I even thought of joining them in the next project...well, have a lot in mind, not sure which is of the Lord, well, He will make it clear for me, I am finding quite hard to rest, despite am at village. Time passed very fast somehow, then now this week when I stopped teaching, suddenly I felt the time stopped and I just don't know what to do...and I'm so malu that I can say I dunno what to do when I could actually have a lot a lot time to pray and study the scripture. 

I came across Susan Tang book, she was saying our prayer time should be more than ministry time, otherwise it's not healthy and dangerous, I guess it's really true, nothing beats the quality of spending time with God, despite the busyness of life.

This few weeks of witness few things happening in the village. I think it's election time...haha, slowly govt aid is coming in, the jabatan tanah Dan ukur came to divide land status to villagers, then sabah tourism board distributing bags, clothes and stationery, the yayasan sabah came to teach crafts, yayasan Islam came and gave uniform and sch shoes...and ystd got cari gali ppl came, so called building well that can provide water to drink...weird...but that's just superficial aide, what does the villager really need? Good education and love...whereby these ppl are being appreciated as 'people' and not treated as outcast, hardcore poor and don't have the good mentality...and respect as well. People come and go, taking pictures here and there and leave...but is the ppl here being helped? Hmm...long term thingy, who can and able to endure, I can't say myself too...am thinking if I am multi millionaire, I can do much more,

Combination of my heart and willingness with the plenty of money that I had, I would just purchase a 4wheel for the villagers use, at least they can get down to town easily for their education, medical and also trade...but I don't have the money to buy, and I also don't dare to drive...so am still praying...secular, earn money...or trusting Him and serve and live in the means...only He knows and He will lead me step by step....I am learning a lot, most important to have steady heart, still learning...but definitely this 4 mths in sabah is not wasted, I know He have His purpose...and I just need to be thankful always and forever....He is good !!!

7.48 pm 23 Aug 2015

7.48 pm 23 Aug 2015

Sitting at school now with kids tying my hair...today suppose to be my last day here but then dunno how they manage to contact Ahuron people and ask them to fetch me Tuesday..so tomorrow have one more day to have my line and access. Starting to miss them already...I cooked barley with dates for them to drink, that's the best I can cook with limited ingredients I had..and they enjoyed it. Suppose to have Penutupan today but postpone to tomorrow...and the Ibu's gonna cook for me again...

This morning, I woke up very early, 6am..because of a dream...went to school and in the end I got quite disturbed, my emotions was really bad, just feel somehow my spirit wanna die off liao...and I wish I could just go down to Ahuron without any line and access so I can shut myself from all the discouragement and bad news one after another, my heart is just so weary....While walking back, I slipped...I just felt like don't want to get up and wanna cry and shout on top of my voice!!! I went back feeling discouraged, nevertheless need to prepare for service. I waited to see whether Ibus walk passed for the Ibus meeting but until 9am still never see anyone walking towards church, so I went again to sch, to charge my hp, and again checking messages...and I got even more upset! My heart pained to every inch of it....I have to put and end to all the negative things, all the bad news, one after another...hurdles after hurdles seems never ending...I pull myself up and I tell myself I have to get out I have to get out...so I went to church after that...and when saw all the kids hangin around, I just gathered them and tell them story of Abraham...how he obeyed God to extend of sacrifice his son Isaac on the altar...

I was reminded the prophesy I received long long time, a moment ago....sacrifice my Isaac on the altar...probably now it's really the fulfillment of the prophesy I received long time ago, giving up my life, my family, my career, my loves one to altar of God...

Halfway through teaching leader came to me and say Celina, hari ini kamu khutbah, hari terakhir kamu...I was like...hmm...can I say no? Anyway I said bah bah, without a clue what to share. I was abit not ready at heart, esp so many things occupy my mind...anyway i just pray and ask the Lord to help me...I had few messages I heard from my laptop but is that good enough? If not words of season for the villagers, so there will be no power, I just surrender and prayed...and then the scripture reading for today was : 

““You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘ Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.”

Matthew 5:21-26 NIV

 

I was convicted that I'd done my good part, and the rest I can only surrender...and during worship, God just gave me a message miraculous, and I searched for scriptures, can't find...and I just told God...take control...and there

I was at the pulpit....and man, I shared a powerful message. Don't know where does the courage and power come from....im speaking like a politician!!! Such annointing I received from Him!!! The power of pressure I had faced prior to that, and the power of surrendering, that God would give me a message so timely, not for the ppl, but for me very personally...as I shared, You are special, I told the congregation, they are priceless, don't allow any sticker to stick to them and affect their spiritual life, wow, it's like God come down and talk to me so so personally. I challenged them also to pay 10% tithes and read Gods word coz it's the only thing that can give life, and words just came...pap pap pap...so precise and I shared with much tremors and tears. I shared my personal walk with God here at village so transparently to them, that when I wish for some food, somehow I don't go down on my knees and day long prayer but God answer it.. Just like that..and assure them, and myself, God had never forsaken anyone...im really preaching my heart out, for myself...and then I prayed for the ppl, I could just literally feel Gods presence, oh it was awesome...I was so set free...

Really thank God for such special moment, times when I feel so downcast, He again proof that He is the author of my life...how beautiful....Lord, always remind me of this beautiful experience with You. For those reading this, whenever you see me discouraged or down, please always remind me how God have truly been my God all these while....and forevermore too....

And my hair is up :) 

My beautiful children...Lord bless their heart...

And now they are playing uno at my house...last night spend w them here...I am going to miss them. I know one day I'll see them again, my prayer go with them, that they are going to study hard and will be able to get to Uni and one day they would recognize me, the Cikgu Celina that always nag them to study :) 

Okie time to zzzz and tomorrow still another day for me to wash and pack, thank You Lord for the good night sleep...

24 Aug 2015

Last day, hope it's real and ppl really pick me up la...

Dunno how is Ahuron like...been packing for quite some time, pray tomorrow I won't have to wait long coz I don't plan to cook and have any meal until at Ahuron liao...

God direct every of my step please...

Almost 4 months out from Pg...so much valuable experienced altogether...to God be the glory :)

He is God

Lord You are always here with me

There is no changing God in Thee

You are the same yesterday

And today and forevermore

Here on Your promises I stand

You hold my future in Your hand

My solid Rock, Almighty God

I worship You

 

When the trouble comes I trust in You

For I know You will lead me through

And I know You are faithful till the end

And when the storms are drawing near

When I'm with You I don't have to fear

You're my Shepherd on whom I can depend

 

Through the day, through the night

I know You're always by my side

 

Lord You are always here with me

There is no changing God in Thee

You are the same yesterday

And today and forevermore

Here on Your promises I stand

You hold my future in Your hand

My solid Rock, Almighty God

I worship You

6am 23 Aug 2015

Woke up with dream, can't sleep on, so decided to go for a walk and get my wifi but the wifi doesn't work, sadly. I think it's gonna be tough for me not having access to line, probably that's what the Lord want me to be, access to Him directly rather than Internet :)

God what's next? This has been a question in my heart, please direct my path, faith...I need that unshaken faith and assurance...despite all, U are still with me...sometimes I think to myself, am comfy where I was back then, what am I getting myself into? 

God, please lead me 

Memories that would last forever

Pray for the Std 6 kids who will be sitting for exam, Lord I claim good result and open their understanding for Nana, Besiri, julainah, salineh, yinnli and junaidi...there are your precious children..lead them Lord to Your light.

And these are Your precious moms..speak to them and let them understand your words...

Help them to have wisdom and tenacity to continue learning even when I had left the village.

God will bless her abundantly, she's always in class with her baby on her arm..

A place so full of memories...

Final snap :)

Last Day Teaching - adults and children

20 August 2015 11.06am

Last class with advance lesson...and managed to finish the whole book, really can't do it without the Lord...sang the song betapa hati ku Tuhan, berterima kasih Yesus...my tears just wanna flow and I just tahan it. How God had led me this far, all the bondings established in this village, how I'm going to miss this fellowship...Lord You have taught me many things here, let it be placed at such a secret place in my heart, whenever I wanna give up, you remind me of how you have led me here, how amazing and miraculously You had provided for me...im so so thankful for everything!!!!

His few days been really emotional, each day I cried before the Lord, asking for His leading. I'm really desperade to hear from Him, but I guess He has spoken, that my life belongs to Him and I'm just going to serve Him. No more secular work...give my life to Him, that's what I received throughout this whole week, at the same time also, it's not individual, I know God will send someone along with me, I'm convinced that I can't go on in my own anymore, since the time

I went back pg, till now, the verse at Luke 10 kept coming to me : “After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go.”

Luke 10:1 NIV

At the Sibu seminar, the sermon that i listened, and reading of the books, it's just like confirmation after confirmation, so I will not fret...because I know God is going to send people along my way to go with me.

Lord, let my heart be steadfast and immovable...greater things are yet to come, greater things are yet to be accomplished in Celina life. I must rise above and beyond because Christ had paid a very expensive price for me...how can I criticize the creation of God? 

Life is really so interesting, or rather I say human is very interesting, amazed at how God can love each of us, the fallen one to the point of sacrificing His Son for us.

Won't have line soon, it would be another new season for me...new beginning...Lord, have Your way in me, not my own way but Your way!

1.53 pm

Sigh, feel sad, my food kena curi..I just realized now, I think it could be last week someone came in coz I forgot to close the back door...my whole tupperware of ikan bilis and noodles gone. Initially I can't find the noodles, so I tot since I left door open, mayb dog came and grab it if I did not store properly and it's probably my fault...after that when think deep, it was last Friday, when I cook mee, I remember still got leftover, then after that I went down for Kalimaran....then Monday when I came back I can't find it...I also forgotten when I left the door open...haiz...it's not about the food that im sad about, it's the heart of villagers...where's the simplicity and sincerelity of heart? I just can't believe village people could do such thing :( It's okla, God knows and He will justify...just pray the Lord will convict 

4 more days to ahuron, to place totally no line :( God help me to adjust and help me not to worry of health and food...abit sakit hati coz I can actually survive on ikan bilis alone for soup, rice, vege and porridge, now it's gone, perhaps the Lord is teaching me again to trust Him fully :(

Help me Lord to stay immovable! 

21 Aug 2015

Today I am telling the Lord, my ikan bilis no more, I got not calcium liao, haha, someone gave me 3 fishes. 

Really amazing God. It's so important to spend time with God, whenever I don't, things ain't right, always always have to put Him first, God help me to always always focus my eyes on You. Quite look forward to Ahuron, another new season, after each challenges, there are new beginning..after rain there are always sunshine...better still rainbows :)