4th Day

At town again, supposedly to meet up representation for Impian Sabah, but she couldn't make it suddenly, and I am not aware of it coz no line...abit disappointed coz the villager fetch me down thinking really have serious discussion. My first instinct was that whether they serious in helping or just entertaining? Well, should give benefit of doubt I guess, sometimes I think I'm abit naive to think that NGO can help...anyway, it's ok, still will be meeting some representation from Tenom..and I hope he turn up...haizzz

It's my fourth day, things are fine, of course there are inconvenience, but looking at bigger picture the inconvenience shouldn't be an obstacle lar...

My bathing water comes from this tank, rain water eh...3 days bathing, skin still ok, lol...Gods grace, seriously feel im such a mission material lah....

Already started my first session bible story w the kids...at Ahuron not many kids, coz most of them at Kemabong or SK Korolok...the kids here needs to walk one hour to school, so kasihan...

My humble zzzz place, these few nights had good god sleep, haha...thank God I'm used to the weather at kapulu, so at Ahuron not that cold compared Kapulu...

This is the church :) nice church...not completed yet, only have wall...whenever there is church service I can charge my phone and one week they have 4 services, so doesn't matter no batt also coz no line there afterall :) 

Beautiful moon for past 2 nights :)

In everything give thanks and I'll be happier..know God is always always with me..and I should be glad coz I am His

At Kemabong again

30 Aug 2015 9.35 am

My first Sunday service at Ahuron. Message from 1 kings 8:54-61

God will keep His promises, His Church will be filled and God will be with in our midst. Tuhan akan menyertai, sepertimana Dia menyertai nenek moyang kita.

This is my 3rd day here, I'm abit worry of the water system here, but I just have no choice but just to trust God. My throat is abit pain, not sure it's coz ajinomoto or its water not clean w bacteria, Lord, regardless what it is, You know and You are in control. I have 12 bottles drinking waters, pray it can last me for another 2 weeks. Not sure tomorrow I'll be able to get to Tenom to meet Lilian, Lord You arrange all...

My bathing water are from pipe plus rain water...Oh Lord, You know me, thank You that You delay my reaching here...probably U know my level of tenacity :) despite all this, I guess I'm quite fine...it's just a matter of getting used to it...so far been 3 days and I'm still all right...

8pm...

Today we had 7 hours of prayers and fasting...really encouraged to see how this village is so hunger after God and his word, one week they have 4 services, Sunday morning & night, Thursday, and Saturday night...oh I pray You will bless the villagers here...

Ystd night I shared about my testimony how I am here...I guess I wasn't really prepared then...heart still very unsettled...and tonight again I am sharing...using back the message I had for Kapulu...hope that's what the Lord have laid in my heart, these ppl know the word more, listened more, but what is the condition of the heart? As I shared, You minister to me as well...thank You Lord, today is going to be a good night. Just now also I had started class with the adults, 7 of them, and I pray I will teach with patience coz they totally doesn't recognise any letters at all...help me Lord, and most of all Your anointing be upon Your people, not so much of me but You...stomach was feeling abit painful, probably coz long hour of fast, claim His healing for gastric and sore throat...TQ Jesus, You are good...

As usual, village time are rubber time...never start on time, but I'm used to it already, been almost 3 months in the village already :) tomorrow they are able to fetch me down to meet Lilian...but I can't contact her, haizzz, pray she would be here...Lord, You lead me, to do the right thing...TQ Jesus...

Second day at Ahuron 29th Aug 2015

Finally am here, now I see why the delay of me coming here, I guess everything happen for a purpose...

Am staying at pastor house, beside the tadika, big and spacious place but not so much of privacy like in Kapulu, kitchen and toilet is at the other side of building...and ystd I just bath in an open air...wow...can't imagine the condition here is worst than kapulu. The water here is stored at tangki, and the tangki is moldy, and that's their source if drinking water 😒 Lord, this village needs more help and support! And why aren't the government looking at their welfare of these people? Probably there's no school over here, so the facilities and infrastructure is bad as well..

Came down to Kemabong to settle some kindy stuff, good that I can have my line utilized :) 

My mandi place cum toilet, haha..

The place where I stay. This tangki doesn't hold gravity water like in Kapulu :( it's rain water unfortunately...haizzz..

Pray for safety and health for me here ya, I believe it's gonna be fruitful one despite the inconvenience :)

Kitchen..all is within some vicinity...

27 Aug 2015 450pm

Line here seems to be very bad that it took quite some time to load the blog. Suppose to go another village Tues but somehow I waited but no one picked me up, so am still waiting, tomorrow will follow people from Yayasan Sabah down, hopefully they know the way there...and they can graciously help me carry all my bArang barang...really amazing how God bring other ppl to fetch me at times, the Ketua Sidang have transport, but I also don't know why he doesn't offer to drop me, I guess he is following the principle of whichever village im suppose to go to, they should come and pick me. Well despite the discussion during Kalimaran, still things not work as it is...Ahuron doesn't have reception of any telco nor wifi, so the only way to contact is at kemabong, when have line, but even with that, looking at my experience guess the people here memang flexible and its culture is just wait. Apparently there is no vehicle to bring me down, thank God Rumba managed to get them and told me their vehicle spoil, at least today I did not repack and unpack again and I just take today easily, reading alot of scriptures and pray. 

Tomorrow hopefully I'll be safe and sound there..these 2 days been raining, pray tomorrow weather would be good and I can travel without much hassle there, Lord, I know everything is within Your control, all I need to do is just to trust! And Lord make way also for me to meet the impian Sabah people. Am not very politically inclined but if the political party can help, why not? I even thought of joining them in the next project...well, have a lot in mind, not sure which is of the Lord, well, He will make it clear for me, I am finding quite hard to rest, despite am at village. Time passed very fast somehow, then now this week when I stopped teaching, suddenly I felt the time stopped and I just don't know what to do...and I'm so malu that I can say I dunno what to do when I could actually have a lot a lot time to pray and study the scripture. 

I came across Susan Tang book, she was saying our prayer time should be more than ministry time, otherwise it's not healthy and dangerous, I guess it's really true, nothing beats the quality of spending time with God, despite the busyness of life.

This few weeks of witness few things happening in the village. I think it's election time...haha, slowly govt aid is coming in, the jabatan tanah Dan ukur came to divide land status to villagers, then sabah tourism board distributing bags, clothes and stationery, the yayasan sabah came to teach crafts, yayasan Islam came and gave uniform and sch shoes...and ystd got cari gali ppl came, so called building well that can provide water to drink...weird...but that's just superficial aide, what does the villager really need? Good education and love...whereby these ppl are being appreciated as 'people' and not treated as outcast, hardcore poor and don't have the good mentality...and respect as well. People come and go, taking pictures here and there and leave...but is the ppl here being helped? Hmm...long term thingy, who can and able to endure, I can't say myself too...am thinking if I am multi millionaire, I can do much more,

Combination of my heart and willingness with the plenty of money that I had, I would just purchase a 4wheel for the villagers use, at least they can get down to town easily for their education, medical and also trade...but I don't have the money to buy, and I also don't dare to drive...so am still praying...secular, earn money...or trusting Him and serve and live in the means...only He knows and He will lead me step by step....I am learning a lot, most important to have steady heart, still learning...but definitely this 4 mths in sabah is not wasted, I know He have His purpose...and I just need to be thankful always and forever....He is good !!!

7.48 pm 23 Aug 2015

7.48 pm 23 Aug 2015

Sitting at school now with kids tying my hair...today suppose to be my last day here but then dunno how they manage to contact Ahuron people and ask them to fetch me Tuesday..so tomorrow have one more day to have my line and access. Starting to miss them already...I cooked barley with dates for them to drink, that's the best I can cook with limited ingredients I had..and they enjoyed it. Suppose to have Penutupan today but postpone to tomorrow...and the Ibu's gonna cook for me again...

This morning, I woke up very early, 6am..because of a dream...went to school and in the end I got quite disturbed, my emotions was really bad, just feel somehow my spirit wanna die off liao...and I wish I could just go down to Ahuron without any line and access so I can shut myself from all the discouragement and bad news one after another, my heart is just so weary....While walking back, I slipped...I just felt like don't want to get up and wanna cry and shout on top of my voice!!! I went back feeling discouraged, nevertheless need to prepare for service. I waited to see whether Ibus walk passed for the Ibus meeting but until 9am still never see anyone walking towards church, so I went again to sch, to charge my hp, and again checking messages...and I got even more upset! My heart pained to every inch of it....I have to put and end to all the negative things, all the bad news, one after another...hurdles after hurdles seems never ending...I pull myself up and I tell myself I have to get out I have to get out...so I went to church after that...and when saw all the kids hangin around, I just gathered them and tell them story of Abraham...how he obeyed God to extend of sacrifice his son Isaac on the altar...

I was reminded the prophesy I received long long time, a moment ago....sacrifice my Isaac on the altar...probably now it's really the fulfillment of the prophesy I received long time ago, giving up my life, my family, my career, my loves one to altar of God...

Halfway through teaching leader came to me and say Celina, hari ini kamu khutbah, hari terakhir kamu...I was like...hmm...can I say no? Anyway I said bah bah, without a clue what to share. I was abit not ready at heart, esp so many things occupy my mind...anyway i just pray and ask the Lord to help me...I had few messages I heard from my laptop but is that good enough? If not words of season for the villagers, so there will be no power, I just surrender and prayed...and then the scripture reading for today was : 

““You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘ Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.”

Matthew 5:21-26 NIV

 

I was convicted that I'd done my good part, and the rest I can only surrender...and during worship, God just gave me a message miraculous, and I searched for scriptures, can't find...and I just told God...take control...and there

I was at the pulpit....and man, I shared a powerful message. Don't know where does the courage and power come from....im speaking like a politician!!! Such annointing I received from Him!!! The power of pressure I had faced prior to that, and the power of surrendering, that God would give me a message so timely, not for the ppl, but for me very personally...as I shared, You are special, I told the congregation, they are priceless, don't allow any sticker to stick to them and affect their spiritual life, wow, it's like God come down and talk to me so so personally. I challenged them also to pay 10% tithes and read Gods word coz it's the only thing that can give life, and words just came...pap pap pap...so precise and I shared with much tremors and tears. I shared my personal walk with God here at village so transparently to them, that when I wish for some food, somehow I don't go down on my knees and day long prayer but God answer it.. Just like that..and assure them, and myself, God had never forsaken anyone...im really preaching my heart out, for myself...and then I prayed for the ppl, I could just literally feel Gods presence, oh it was awesome...I was so set free...

Really thank God for such special moment, times when I feel so downcast, He again proof that He is the author of my life...how beautiful....Lord, always remind me of this beautiful experience with You. For those reading this, whenever you see me discouraged or down, please always remind me how God have truly been my God all these while....and forevermore too....

And my hair is up :) 

My beautiful children...Lord bless their heart...

And now they are playing uno at my house...last night spend w them here...I am going to miss them. I know one day I'll see them again, my prayer go with them, that they are going to study hard and will be able to get to Uni and one day they would recognize me, the Cikgu Celina that always nag them to study :) 

Okie time to zzzz and tomorrow still another day for me to wash and pack, thank You Lord for the good night sleep...

24 Aug 2015

Last day, hope it's real and ppl really pick me up la...

Dunno how is Ahuron like...been packing for quite some time, pray tomorrow I won't have to wait long coz I don't plan to cook and have any meal until at Ahuron liao...

God direct every of my step please...

Almost 4 months out from Pg...so much valuable experienced altogether...to God be the glory :)

He is God

Lord You are always here with me

There is no changing God in Thee

You are the same yesterday

And today and forevermore

Here on Your promises I stand

You hold my future in Your hand

My solid Rock, Almighty God

I worship You

 

When the trouble comes I trust in You

For I know You will lead me through

And I know You are faithful till the end

And when the storms are drawing near

When I'm with You I don't have to fear

You're my Shepherd on whom I can depend

 

Through the day, through the night

I know You're always by my side

 

Lord You are always here with me

There is no changing God in Thee

You are the same yesterday

And today and forevermore

Here on Your promises I stand

You hold my future in Your hand

My solid Rock, Almighty God

I worship You

6am 23 Aug 2015

Woke up with dream, can't sleep on, so decided to go for a walk and get my wifi but the wifi doesn't work, sadly. I think it's gonna be tough for me not having access to line, probably that's what the Lord want me to be, access to Him directly rather than Internet :)

God what's next? This has been a question in my heart, please direct my path, faith...I need that unshaken faith and assurance...despite all, U are still with me...sometimes I think to myself, am comfy where I was back then, what am I getting myself into? 

God, please lead me 

Memories that would last forever

Pray for the Std 6 kids who will be sitting for exam, Lord I claim good result and open their understanding for Nana, Besiri, julainah, salineh, yinnli and junaidi...there are your precious children..lead them Lord to Your light.

And these are Your precious moms..speak to them and let them understand your words...

Help them to have wisdom and tenacity to continue learning even when I had left the village.

God will bless her abundantly, she's always in class with her baby on her arm..

A place so full of memories...

Final snap :)

Last Day Teaching - adults and children

20 August 2015 11.06am

Last class with advance lesson...and managed to finish the whole book, really can't do it without the Lord...sang the song betapa hati ku Tuhan, berterima kasih Yesus...my tears just wanna flow and I just tahan it. How God had led me this far, all the bondings established in this village, how I'm going to miss this fellowship...Lord You have taught me many things here, let it be placed at such a secret place in my heart, whenever I wanna give up, you remind me of how you have led me here, how amazing and miraculously You had provided for me...im so so thankful for everything!!!!

His few days been really emotional, each day I cried before the Lord, asking for His leading. I'm really desperade to hear from Him, but I guess He has spoken, that my life belongs to Him and I'm just going to serve Him. No more secular work...give my life to Him, that's what I received throughout this whole week, at the same time also, it's not individual, I know God will send someone along with me, I'm convinced that I can't go on in my own anymore, since the time

I went back pg, till now, the verse at Luke 10 kept coming to me : “After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go.”

Luke 10:1 NIV

At the Sibu seminar, the sermon that i listened, and reading of the books, it's just like confirmation after confirmation, so I will not fret...because I know God is going to send people along my way to go with me.

Lord, let my heart be steadfast and immovable...greater things are yet to come, greater things are yet to be accomplished in Celina life. I must rise above and beyond because Christ had paid a very expensive price for me...how can I criticize the creation of God? 

Life is really so interesting, or rather I say human is very interesting, amazed at how God can love each of us, the fallen one to the point of sacrificing His Son for us.

Won't have line soon, it would be another new season for me...new beginning...Lord, have Your way in me, not my own way but Your way!

1.53 pm

Sigh, feel sad, my food kena curi..I just realized now, I think it could be last week someone came in coz I forgot to close the back door...my whole tupperware of ikan bilis and noodles gone. Initially I can't find the noodles, so I tot since I left door open, mayb dog came and grab it if I did not store properly and it's probably my fault...after that when think deep, it was last Friday, when I cook mee, I remember still got leftover, then after that I went down for Kalimaran....then Monday when I came back I can't find it...I also forgotten when I left the door open...haiz...it's not about the food that im sad about, it's the heart of villagers...where's the simplicity and sincerelity of heart? I just can't believe village people could do such thing :( It's okla, God knows and He will justify...just pray the Lord will convict 

4 more days to ahuron, to place totally no line :( God help me to adjust and help me not to worry of health and food...abit sakit hati coz I can actually survive on ikan bilis alone for soup, rice, vege and porridge, now it's gone, perhaps the Lord is teaching me again to trust Him fully :(

Help me Lord to stay immovable! 

21 Aug 2015

Today I am telling the Lord, my ikan bilis no more, I got not calcium liao, haha, someone gave me 3 fishes. 

Really amazing God. It's so important to spend time with God, whenever I don't, things ain't right, always always have to put Him first, God help me to always always focus my eyes on You. Quite look forward to Ahuron, another new season, after each challenges, there are new beginning..after rain there are always sunshine...better still rainbows :)

18 Aug 2015

Typing in the class now, this week won't be teaching so much on the lesson but more of scripture and songs.

Ystd was a very low moment for me, somehow I got to a point of so negative that I really lost myself..and ashamed of myself..how can I being in ministry, bringing good news to the people here yet my heart is not properly checked. That's how much relationship problem affect me. I don't not want to be in this cycle again...i guess that's how depression begin if I'm not careful...I guess it's another hurdles for me to overcome again...But as long as Christ in my heart, everything going to be all right. I should not dwell in it and just move on...afterall after end of this week I won't have any access to data, and pray my heart will be more settled after 3 weeks of silence...

This morning God reminded me of His faithfulness...that He always answers prayer...when the answer don't come, just be still.

There are so much of challenges i faced since the last trip back here...but in midst of all, I know God still with me, but I guess whether to continue it, it would be another question...I really felt so lonely at times, don't know why this has been my life...and it's always during this time God would be my one and only keeper where no one else bother. I really tasted the ministry experience, whereby sometimes it's just You and God...coz ppl will never be at ur position to feel how U feel, but it's only God who can be the one comforting me...and I also tasted of rship with people in ministry too, really needs to be covered with much prayers, I guess I would still last today coz ppl been praying for me, am thankful for the prayer been offered for me, those that really stand with me in prayer for ministry.

Whenever I see these hungry souls, no matter how is the condition of my heart, it soften and I just want to do my best to reach them with love of God. If only that could be applied in everyday life...that would be great...

It's Tuesday, we had good time singing praise and worship just now...from 2 hours lesson to 3 hours and my heart just feel glad..4 more days will go down to Ahuron, can't imagine life without wifi...will see how good I will survive...I believe with God I am able to do things, just need to believe in myself, that's the issue with me...always need ppl to assure me and not God at the very first place, Lord, after so much experiences with You, why am I still doubt...help my unbelieve Daddy! Help me not to let others label on me to stick on me, help me to learn to put oil on my body that whatever bad label people put on me will not stick, help me just to care of how U look at me and not human...for man always fail, but You never fails....

This 2 weeks sch feels so quiet, some teachers not around, so activities going here and there and I don't see much of teaching going on and students are watching movie most of the times, wonder does that happen at other sch, Lord, I tried not to judge the teachers but really pity the kids and the standard, only Lord you know! 

I claim healing for the bump to go away...I don't want to go down just to see the dr again, but am trusting You...I realy hate taking painkiller and this is the most painkiller I'd ever consumed in my whole life, now I can imagine those ppl that needed medication for the rest of their life, sigh...Lord please extend Your  healing hand on me, sometimes could feel the pull of the fingers but I just can't rest, coz I have to do everything here...and I could understand the role of mom...how can the housework be so busy and occupied by it...just have no choice coz it's her family....all would be well, I just need to set my heart well and rejoice because He is with me!

Sunday 16 Aug 2015

Waiting for vehicle to go Tenom now. Today I woke up the earliest, hope others won't mind me waking them up, been really a tiring day ystd, a lot walking from the kalimaran place to the setinggan, quite a distance and I walked under hot sun, with sleepless night and super hot weather, ystd I totally collapse...head is super pain, thank God I could catch some sleep ystd and my head is better now. Pray my friend won't forget me...pray I'll have a good service and God would minister to me at the service. 

Am abit sad, but I need to overcome it..ystd had video chat w mom and sis...miss them a lot...

Me in the dark talking to her...sis kept asking me to go back...well, don't know la, let Gods will be done

15th August 2015 - Kalimaran big day

What a day for me...been having sleepless night for last 2 days...where's my faith,haiz...

Ystd had long chat with friend, pour out my heart and felt better, then chat w Dr friend, thank God for her, really worry of the growth over my wrist, and contemplating in my heart should I go all the way to Tenom...after hearing from her, I decided not to go. The word cyst is very scary, both mom and dad also cancer patient, and suddenly had this growth, was really worry, coz medical care is not accessible at village and the pain is hindering me in my daily activity. 

From wrist pain, to shoulder and then developing of the growth, it's no joke la for a non medical person like me...anyway, pray all would be as diagnosed by my friend, then I'll be well to recovery, just that I don't like taking painkiller, but no choice la...better try and pray it's really nothing major that just a normal cyst.

I pray today I'll have a fruitful day, meeting new ppl and talk to them, and pray Gods spirit will be on me that I would be sensitive to His leading to talk to right person, to those who needed words for season. Been reading the book Unshockable Love and also battle in prayer...if only we could hear Him well, we are going to be great minister for Him. I have been dwelling in my issues and at times just don't have heart to do anything else but am constantly fighting it, at times really feel im faking it out, deep inside me is troubled, but still reaching out to ppl, but God reminded me...it's sign of maturity, Jesus felt such troubles within His spirit, yet, He did not avoid talking and ministering to His disciples. He is still taking the last supper with them, never sharing His heart burden, but still imparting wisdom. I know God is and will always be good to me, regardless of the circumstances. Just pray I'll discern well what's next and be led by Him. This 4 months really teach me a lot, what it takes to reach out, what it takes to really die to self...sth which is unattainable by human strength...Lord, that I'll always dwell in Your presence....You are a good good God.

I pray tomorrow evening I am able to go back to the village...and tonight I will sleep well, ystd I was surrounded by orchestra of mozzie, so can't really sleep, I was wide awake all the time, praise God I'm not like zombie now, still ok though abit tired..all things work together for good, I just have to trust and trust and continue to trust. 

I know more to come, but each day I must be stronger, not my own strength but His..

My sleepy look :)

Kemabong for Kalimaran

It's Friday, 14 Aug 2015, 2.24pm, and I'm down at kemabong again, super super hot here 😓 and now at govt Klinik kesihatan. It's really sad that even within village, the staff that work a clinic can be lazy and told me all dr are at kursus now and no doctor now, only pembantu dr is here, then I told her I'm from outstation and she asked me am I teacher, and I say yes, straight away her expression change, and become so friendly and say ok cikgu, ada seorang doctor sini...Lord, let this dr be a good one. I really don't wanna live with this pain. Am I not trusting you enough that I came and see Dr? If I don't come down here, I guess I won't purposely ask villager to fetch me down here for consultation. 

Lord, I claim your healing! Let the prognosis be good. 

Been so used to staying up at village and seems like my home already. 

Hihi, I lost 5kg in 3 mths, now only 50kg..blood pressure, 123/70, ok bah, no longer low pressure like last time already, haha...

Ok continue back my story while waiting for see dr. Ya, my home at kg kapulu...And I feel so reluctant to go down to kemabong probably coz the condition of the house is worst. Although have line, but there's no electricity, so when batt flat is no point also la, sigh! 

Oh seen the pembantu dr, really no doctor at the whole of kemabong, coz they on kursus, apa la!

And have i judge the staff just now? Lord, forgive me ! 

He gave me antibiotic cream, ponstan and nerve medicine, all have to take after food and I'm fasting 40days...Lord, how la...make do with whatever I can. He asked me to go Tenom...if I have friend at Tenom I would have gone...but don't have :( so only trust God la...perhaps this is another test of my faith again...

12 Aug 2015

Ystd I prayed for one of the villager who is sick, they told me she was from SIB last time, now terlantar at hospital...I told them whether SIB or RC or Islam, we should also pray when hear someone is sick...so we did pray, this morning I wanna continue to pray w them and they said she oredi passed away, my heart was challenged again....God, how come when I pray, nothing happen one? Few times I prayed for those who is sick but they don't really got better? And my own wrist is also painful for months, and now I is swollen already 😢, feeling sad, but I still have to hang on to Him! Is it that I don't have the healing annointing? Or there are many doubts in me? Have I actually dealt with my dad's disease and trust God still is healer? I guess it has been dealt with, and I know God is still in control, just sometimes situation just discourage you. 

Am I doing things in my own strength ka? What can I improve? Well, life really have many ups and downs, but always have to keep looking to the cross. I guess the hardest things for me is to surrender and release all to Him! Easy to say but when reality hit, hard to do it...learning and continue to learn, as long as I don't and won't give up, I know in the end God will vindicate me...help me Father to continue to persevere on!!!!

11 August 2015

Yesterday night I finally broke down and cry.....the last time in the village I cried was because I was so touched with what the Lord have been doing in my life..and also when sharing with the Ibu's of my life testimony and Gods word...this time I was sorrowful, not because I'm not happy in the village, but slowly I had lost myself in the doubts of my heart. I have been again questioning what am I doing here and why am I going to Ahuron next. Will it make any difference...to the point I thought of packing my bag and just leave..I am telling God I just don't feel I can do this anymore...and then I slept so soundly after that. It's so real what I listened at the seminar about missionary care, when we not strong enough in the lord, we would leave the ministry feeling bitter and broken... 

I woke up early morning and I forced myself to read His Words and continue to pray and Matt 10 ministers to me. God reminded me how his disciples are being martyr for being His disciples and how have they stood the time...and what I'm doing here is just abit of what the disciples did, why should I be so afraid of the arrows that flies by day and pestilence that stalks in the darkness? Why should be be questioning what I'm doing here when I had seen so so much of Gods evident goodness to me? I repented and ask the Lord for forgiveness..and I know He would lead me to higher ground and I just need to press on. Of course in ministry there are ups and downs, the more we want to do Gods work, the more challenges I will face, and I have to count it all joy...Lird, let Your joy be my strength always and forever...

My sunday sch kids, getting lesser and lesser..mayb what I teach is not so interesting and the guy all cabut...anyway, I just have to believe whatever I had sown will not go in vain.

Counting the days to go Ahuron and to the Sarawak mission trip as well...

Fruit of my labor

Today I'm very encouraged with what Martha said...they feel the lost of me leaving them soon, I felt the same, but I told them to continue on reading His words. And Martha said, tidak pandai lagi. Somehow don't know how, out of nowhere I asked her to get the Murut Bible. And I start reading their Murut bible...and then I teach them how to improve the reading of BM bible. Since they can eja and know a lot of sukukata, I asked them to read Murut bible more than BM, coz they may not understand fully the BM words but with the sukukata that they had learned they could actually read and understand the Murut Bible. And Martha seems to understand what I talk and she mentioned tht before this, she can't even read, now sudah boleh baca sikit sikit, I really felt so encouraged, that what I taught is useful, although only 2 or most 4 out of 12 students really know and progress when I teach. I really see that those really have the heart for people and God, they progressed fast and could grasp what I have been teaching them. Same with Utuf, the one at slower class, though slow, but really can see her progress, and each time when I shared at perjumpaan Ibu, she would be quite receptive to the Words and I could see her in tears...I believe orang kampung also have their difficulties, but they had learn to supress it, like no one understand them. I wish I can do more, but guess I don't think that even if I stay longer here it would bring much impact, in turn probably their reliance would be on me more...so it's just the right timing to move on to another village.

Praise God that I had obtained my flight ticket to US and I don't have much time to really prepare, 5 days after touchdown I'll be off to US...Lord, help me to prepare myself well for it. Am hoping for a group to visit me before I depart to ahuron, but guess tak sempat liao...don't know how's life at Ahuron, Lord, help me to continue to keep my head up high.

This is the houses at another end, sometimes when kebudayaan is not available I'll teach in this abandon house..am quite used to sit on dirty ground..and use whatever means to teach. 

Am slowly moving to words in the bible to help them progress is reading the bible. And that's the blue recycle bag that I have always carry with me during class.

Haha, this is what I'm going to teach for tomorrow Sunday sch...cool eh..and also tomorrow again im sharing at the Ibu's meeting, and last minute I just prepared before I came to school. God is good, still im thinking how nice if im serving here with my other half. I guess it's quite difficult unless I marry a missionary...hmm...His will be accomplished in my life...

Gonna teach this tomorrow to the Ibu's, pray that they will be receptive to the words..

This is biji kopi, haha, first time seeing it..

And this is my dinner just now, the cauliflower last for 4 days already without fridge, haha...sometimes I really really feel God kept things fresh for me...some of my food which kept overnight is not spoil so far, I can reheat it up and eat. And my tong gas, since 2nd May until now, it has not been changed. I asked mom, she said normally it can last 50 days but I'd been in the village for almost 60 days plus..and still the fire is still marah...can U believe it...breakfast surely I'll boil water, then lunch I'll cook my meal, and dinner I'll heat it up, I guess I'm cooking more frequent than mom, yet the gas can last so long, I really feel it is God that keep that too...

I really experienced so much of His goodness here. And I am not a hypocrite!  I am sinners saved by grace, and despite all my shortcomings, God still love me. And  I know I am slowly improving and I know I am going to make it through in life victoriously. I have many many many weaknesses, and I know God will vindicate me. Many times I felt unworthy, but God have always restore my confident in Him. Man would pull me down, situation would make me succumb to it, nevertheless, God is still faithful and I'm still work in progress...im not a ingredients which can be altered by anyone, but fully belong to Him, a royal priesthood, a chosen generation that would march forth for His glory. Thank You Jesus for such assurance ! 

It's Saturday 8/8/2015

This few days had a lot of dream, which I asked the Lord for, but I couldn't get what's the meaning of the dream. Keep asking and I believe God gonna show it to me.

Thank God for the opportunity to make new friend and encourage one another...can U believe that the teachers actually rent this pangsa for RM350. Feel that it's so much better to stay up village than staying at this place although it has electricity and line. Water is not clean though.

End of this month im gonna be at Ahuron, it would be another phase of kampung life as I need to readapt again to new enviroment and the place is without line and wifi...hope I can tahan, probably it's good for me as well coz it's where all the distraction will ceased. 

Please pray for me, my wrist been aching for quite long and now my whole right hand from shoulder is also painful. Just have to keep trusting God for healing. 

Now I have to speed up lesson with adults and also the kids...learning to impart Gods word more to them...not sure this 3 months stay have I actually reach out to them...well, I guess I had done my best, the rest leave to God.

There is no condemnation in Christ, my friend have just reminded me..coming from a low self esteem little girl till now, I'm still learning, learning to tell myself I'm deeply loved, highly favored and greatly blessed by Abba Father. Sometimes many voices would tell me I'm not good, I guess in life there would not be a person who would walk through with you except for Lord Jesus Christ. Human will always fail me but God never. Regardless whatever that happened in past, God had redeemed it out of me and i should not allow the enemy to sow seed that would destroy the plan God have for me. I know many people God have brought along my life, some to encourage, some to drive me crazy, but all this is for my good and I just gonna believe it would all happen for good for those who love Him- Romans 8:28.

Can't wait to be back home and then have another one month away from all, sitting at feet of Jesus and learn. God, you are good to me, despite all that I went through, I know, You are still faithful, refining me in all areas of my life so it come out pure as gold.

A snapshot before I sleep, haha

The Real God, One Ever So So Faithful

Can't help but to send this blog up now...I am just amazed at how God proof Himself so faithful to me. I have been quite weary ever since I came back to KK..and even more worry when I know I'm going to come in alone to village on my own..the enemy really know how to get ppl to succumb to situation and I'm one of those who worry much but today, I just want to fall on my knees...that He proof Himself so so faithful to me.

When I was up at the bus, I just want to cry my heart out, wanted to just sleep and don't care what's next, yet I met one lady who sat beside me...and there are plenty empty seat around, and I could easily have my own space at the empty seats but somehow my heart told me I must talk to this lady, so I did and I share my faith to her, what I'm doing and why..and she begin to open up for me, and she mention of her sis condition in hospital, again, I struggle, should I pray for her..coz my heart really don't feel like it, anyhow I obeyed, and she say she dun want prayer now, so I said I'll pray for her at my own quiet time...after that I begin to think of how to contact some people back at Ahuron for me to be station there by end of this month...and also how to get to kemabong...but deep in my heart, I know I can only surrender...coz when I really do I know God works wonder...right after I got down from the bus, I walk few minutes around and phone rang, it was the Tadika teacher at Ahuron, they are at Tenom and can bring me to kemabong...I really wanna cry when I hear that...that is how real God is in my life. When I came down from kapulu, God sent anak Ketua kampung to fetch me, now when go back also He had also assigned ppl to take me, beyond what I really can foresee. Almost reaching kemabong the car broke down, that's how the enemy trying to discourage me, but I know that God is still in control of my life..and I give thanks...and someone else got me to kemabong, and the rest are history...how can I doubt further that what I'm doing at kapulu is probably not what God want me to be...it showed so clearly that God is in it! 

No matter what life situation is, He is still in control :) really so amazed at the work of His hand! 

Lord, thank You for your hand upon my life, am so grateful that You loved me so much that You have always been a refuge for me, help me to continue to trust in You, whatever that is bothering me, Lord You also know it all...praise You Father! 

Nice and comfy bus :) 

4 August 2015

Back to KK again after good catch up with friends at Sibu and miri. All alone at mission house again, this time with less activity and meeting up friends coz I really needed so much rest from the trip. Am glad to be back at the solitude with Jesus. Will be travelling to Tenom tomorrow and day after back to Kapulu, pray after a good break I'll be back with more insights and am able to relate more to the villagers. Not sure where do I go from here, but guess I just needed to trust God and keep going. Felt that God is really breaking me and moulding me and a lot of obstacles would come along the way when I'm all out to serve Him. Last Sunday, had good walk with dogs, yea I guess the fear is all a matter of mental block...quite fun though walking with the dog and also talk to him, although he don't understand...but at least this cute little dog name Moo Moo kept me company, I guess I would agree that dog can be man's best friend...no wonder some of my friends could really sleep with the dog...haha...

Last week before leaving to Sibu I attended SIB and I kept reminding myself to get NECF booklet for me to begin another 40 days fast for nation. But unfortunately I forgot. Ystd I joined one of my friend in cg and there she go, asking who don't have the book yet, God really know what's best for me...

And we had such significant act in the cg, feeling quite funny as first time I'm there and there is ppl washing my feet and I'm washing ppl feet also. That's how our Lord love us, and we ought to also do the same, but often times we failed...spirit is willing but flesh is weak. The leader shared about revival in Miri, how one ordinary teacher who went and give a short 1 hour sharing impacted the whole school...and it really encourage me to put down my fear and the thoughts of what I can do there but to continue to pray and be faithful in the little act in the village. Lord, ultimately it is You and You alone....

In Miri at my friend house, her mom also kept worrying of me, and when I talked to her my heart just cried...she felt for me of what I'm doing at village and kept telling me family and health is the most important thing in life, to certain extend yes, but what about Gods calling? I could really feel moms heartbeat through her...my friend is bless to have a mom like her that cares so much, pray that she will always be healthy...thank God for all the people I meet along the way, and esp for Gina that willing to accompany me all the way from KL to Sibu, Bintulu and Miri....I pray that there'll be a lot take home message too from the Lord...

It's raining now...sitting here at kopitiam and blog after some time...waiting for the rain to stop and I'll walk back home and rest. Not sure how much this lunch cost...things here really super pricy...compared with Sarawak, Sabah is more pricy..

Talked to mom yesterday too, praise God that I could feel she is opening to the idea of me serving at Sabah...pray that God will direct my path further...

With God all things are possible...