18 Aug 2015

Typing in the class now, this week won't be teaching so much on the lesson but more of scripture and songs.

Ystd was a very low moment for me, somehow I got to a point of so negative that I really lost myself..and ashamed of myself..how can I being in ministry, bringing good news to the people here yet my heart is not properly checked. That's how much relationship problem affect me. I don't not want to be in this cycle again...i guess that's how depression begin if I'm not careful...I guess it's another hurdles for me to overcome again...But as long as Christ in my heart, everything going to be all right. I should not dwell in it and just move on...afterall after end of this week I won't have any access to data, and pray my heart will be more settled after 3 weeks of silence...

This morning God reminded me of His faithfulness...that He always answers prayer...when the answer don't come, just be still.

There are so much of challenges i faced since the last trip back here...but in midst of all, I know God still with me, but I guess whether to continue it, it would be another question...I really felt so lonely at times, don't know why this has been my life...and it's always during this time God would be my one and only keeper where no one else bother. I really tasted the ministry experience, whereby sometimes it's just You and God...coz ppl will never be at ur position to feel how U feel, but it's only God who can be the one comforting me...and I also tasted of rship with people in ministry too, really needs to be covered with much prayers, I guess I would still last today coz ppl been praying for me, am thankful for the prayer been offered for me, those that really stand with me in prayer for ministry.

Whenever I see these hungry souls, no matter how is the condition of my heart, it soften and I just want to do my best to reach them with love of God. If only that could be applied in everyday life...that would be great...

It's Tuesday, we had good time singing praise and worship just now...from 2 hours lesson to 3 hours and my heart just feel glad..4 more days will go down to Ahuron, can't imagine life without wifi...will see how good I will survive...I believe with God I am able to do things, just need to believe in myself, that's the issue with me...always need ppl to assure me and not God at the very first place, Lord, after so much experiences with You, why am I still doubt...help my unbelieve Daddy! Help me not to let others label on me to stick on me, help me to learn to put oil on my body that whatever bad label people put on me will not stick, help me just to care of how U look at me and not human...for man always fail, but You never fails....

This 2 weeks sch feels so quiet, some teachers not around, so activities going here and there and I don't see much of teaching going on and students are watching movie most of the times, wonder does that happen at other sch, Lord, I tried not to judge the teachers but really pity the kids and the standard, only Lord you know! 

I claim healing for the bump to go away...I don't want to go down just to see the dr again, but am trusting You...I realy hate taking painkiller and this is the most painkiller I'd ever consumed in my whole life, now I can imagine those ppl that needed medication for the rest of their life, sigh...Lord please extend Your  healing hand on me, sometimes could feel the pull of the fingers but I just can't rest, coz I have to do everything here...and I could understand the role of mom...how can the housework be so busy and occupied by it...just have no choice coz it's her family....all would be well, I just need to set my heart well and rejoice because He is with me!

Sunday 16 Aug 2015

Waiting for vehicle to go Tenom now. Today I woke up the earliest, hope others won't mind me waking them up, been really a tiring day ystd, a lot walking from the kalimaran place to the setinggan, quite a distance and I walked under hot sun, with sleepless night and super hot weather, ystd I totally collapse...head is super pain, thank God I could catch some sleep ystd and my head is better now. Pray my friend won't forget me...pray I'll have a good service and God would minister to me at the service. 

Am abit sad, but I need to overcome it..ystd had video chat w mom and sis...miss them a lot...

Me in the dark talking to her...sis kept asking me to go back...well, don't know la, let Gods will be done

15th August 2015 - Kalimaran big day

What a day for me...been having sleepless night for last 2 days...where's my faith,haiz...

Ystd had long chat with friend, pour out my heart and felt better, then chat w Dr friend, thank God for her, really worry of the growth over my wrist, and contemplating in my heart should I go all the way to Tenom...after hearing from her, I decided not to go. The word cyst is very scary, both mom and dad also cancer patient, and suddenly had this growth, was really worry, coz medical care is not accessible at village and the pain is hindering me in my daily activity. 

From wrist pain, to shoulder and then developing of the growth, it's no joke la for a non medical person like me...anyway, pray all would be as diagnosed by my friend, then I'll be well to recovery, just that I don't like taking painkiller, but no choice la...better try and pray it's really nothing major that just a normal cyst.

I pray today I'll have a fruitful day, meeting new ppl and talk to them, and pray Gods spirit will be on me that I would be sensitive to His leading to talk to right person, to those who needed words for season. Been reading the book Unshockable Love and also battle in prayer...if only we could hear Him well, we are going to be great minister for Him. I have been dwelling in my issues and at times just don't have heart to do anything else but am constantly fighting it, at times really feel im faking it out, deep inside me is troubled, but still reaching out to ppl, but God reminded me...it's sign of maturity, Jesus felt such troubles within His spirit, yet, He did not avoid talking and ministering to His disciples. He is still taking the last supper with them, never sharing His heart burden, but still imparting wisdom. I know God is and will always be good to me, regardless of the circumstances. Just pray I'll discern well what's next and be led by Him. This 4 months really teach me a lot, what it takes to reach out, what it takes to really die to self...sth which is unattainable by human strength...Lord, that I'll always dwell in Your presence....You are a good good God.

I pray tomorrow evening I am able to go back to the village...and tonight I will sleep well, ystd I was surrounded by orchestra of mozzie, so can't really sleep, I was wide awake all the time, praise God I'm not like zombie now, still ok though abit tired..all things work together for good, I just have to trust and trust and continue to trust. 

I know more to come, but each day I must be stronger, not my own strength but His..

My sleepy look :)

Kemabong for Kalimaran

It's Friday, 14 Aug 2015, 2.24pm, and I'm down at kemabong again, super super hot here 😓 and now at govt Klinik kesihatan. It's really sad that even within village, the staff that work a clinic can be lazy and told me all dr are at kursus now and no doctor now, only pembantu dr is here, then I told her I'm from outstation and she asked me am I teacher, and I say yes, straight away her expression change, and become so friendly and say ok cikgu, ada seorang doctor sini...Lord, let this dr be a good one. I really don't wanna live with this pain. Am I not trusting you enough that I came and see Dr? If I don't come down here, I guess I won't purposely ask villager to fetch me down here for consultation. 

Lord, I claim your healing! Let the prognosis be good. 

Been so used to staying up at village and seems like my home already. 

Hihi, I lost 5kg in 3 mths, now only 50kg..blood pressure, 123/70, ok bah, no longer low pressure like last time already, haha...

Ok continue back my story while waiting for see dr. Ya, my home at kg kapulu...And I feel so reluctant to go down to kemabong probably coz the condition of the house is worst. Although have line, but there's no electricity, so when batt flat is no point also la, sigh! 

Oh seen the pembantu dr, really no doctor at the whole of kemabong, coz they on kursus, apa la!

And have i judge the staff just now? Lord, forgive me ! 

He gave me antibiotic cream, ponstan and nerve medicine, all have to take after food and I'm fasting 40days...Lord, how la...make do with whatever I can. He asked me to go Tenom...if I have friend at Tenom I would have gone...but don't have :( so only trust God la...perhaps this is another test of my faith again...

12 Aug 2015

Ystd I prayed for one of the villager who is sick, they told me she was from SIB last time, now terlantar at hospital...I told them whether SIB or RC or Islam, we should also pray when hear someone is sick...so we did pray, this morning I wanna continue to pray w them and they said she oredi passed away, my heart was challenged again....God, how come when I pray, nothing happen one? Few times I prayed for those who is sick but they don't really got better? And my own wrist is also painful for months, and now I is swollen already 😢, feeling sad, but I still have to hang on to Him! Is it that I don't have the healing annointing? Or there are many doubts in me? Have I actually dealt with my dad's disease and trust God still is healer? I guess it has been dealt with, and I know God is still in control, just sometimes situation just discourage you. 

Am I doing things in my own strength ka? What can I improve? Well, life really have many ups and downs, but always have to keep looking to the cross. I guess the hardest things for me is to surrender and release all to Him! Easy to say but when reality hit, hard to do it...learning and continue to learn, as long as I don't and won't give up, I know in the end God will vindicate me...help me Father to continue to persevere on!!!!

11 August 2015

Yesterday night I finally broke down and cry.....the last time in the village I cried was because I was so touched with what the Lord have been doing in my life..and also when sharing with the Ibu's of my life testimony and Gods word...this time I was sorrowful, not because I'm not happy in the village, but slowly I had lost myself in the doubts of my heart. I have been again questioning what am I doing here and why am I going to Ahuron next. Will it make any difference...to the point I thought of packing my bag and just leave..I am telling God I just don't feel I can do this anymore...and then I slept so soundly after that. It's so real what I listened at the seminar about missionary care, when we not strong enough in the lord, we would leave the ministry feeling bitter and broken... 

I woke up early morning and I forced myself to read His Words and continue to pray and Matt 10 ministers to me. God reminded me how his disciples are being martyr for being His disciples and how have they stood the time...and what I'm doing here is just abit of what the disciples did, why should I be so afraid of the arrows that flies by day and pestilence that stalks in the darkness? Why should be be questioning what I'm doing here when I had seen so so much of Gods evident goodness to me? I repented and ask the Lord for forgiveness..and I know He would lead me to higher ground and I just need to press on. Of course in ministry there are ups and downs, the more we want to do Gods work, the more challenges I will face, and I have to count it all joy...Lird, let Your joy be my strength always and forever...

My sunday sch kids, getting lesser and lesser..mayb what I teach is not so interesting and the guy all cabut...anyway, I just have to believe whatever I had sown will not go in vain.

Counting the days to go Ahuron and to the Sarawak mission trip as well...

Fruit of my labor

Today I'm very encouraged with what Martha said...they feel the lost of me leaving them soon, I felt the same, but I told them to continue on reading His words. And Martha said, tidak pandai lagi. Somehow don't know how, out of nowhere I asked her to get the Murut Bible. And I start reading their Murut bible...and then I teach them how to improve the reading of BM bible. Since they can eja and know a lot of sukukata, I asked them to read Murut bible more than BM, coz they may not understand fully the BM words but with the sukukata that they had learned they could actually read and understand the Murut Bible. And Martha seems to understand what I talk and she mentioned tht before this, she can't even read, now sudah boleh baca sikit sikit, I really felt so encouraged, that what I taught is useful, although only 2 or most 4 out of 12 students really know and progress when I teach. I really see that those really have the heart for people and God, they progressed fast and could grasp what I have been teaching them. Same with Utuf, the one at slower class, though slow, but really can see her progress, and each time when I shared at perjumpaan Ibu, she would be quite receptive to the Words and I could see her in tears...I believe orang kampung also have their difficulties, but they had learn to supress it, like no one understand them. I wish I can do more, but guess I don't think that even if I stay longer here it would bring much impact, in turn probably their reliance would be on me more...so it's just the right timing to move on to another village.

Praise God that I had obtained my flight ticket to US and I don't have much time to really prepare, 5 days after touchdown I'll be off to US...Lord, help me to prepare myself well for it. Am hoping for a group to visit me before I depart to ahuron, but guess tak sempat liao...don't know how's life at Ahuron, Lord, help me to continue to keep my head up high.

This is the houses at another end, sometimes when kebudayaan is not available I'll teach in this abandon house..am quite used to sit on dirty ground..and use whatever means to teach. 

Am slowly moving to words in the bible to help them progress is reading the bible. And that's the blue recycle bag that I have always carry with me during class.

Haha, this is what I'm going to teach for tomorrow Sunday sch...cool eh..and also tomorrow again im sharing at the Ibu's meeting, and last minute I just prepared before I came to school. God is good, still im thinking how nice if im serving here with my other half. I guess it's quite difficult unless I marry a missionary...hmm...His will be accomplished in my life...

Gonna teach this tomorrow to the Ibu's, pray that they will be receptive to the words..

This is biji kopi, haha, first time seeing it..

And this is my dinner just now, the cauliflower last for 4 days already without fridge, haha...sometimes I really really feel God kept things fresh for me...some of my food which kept overnight is not spoil so far, I can reheat it up and eat. And my tong gas, since 2nd May until now, it has not been changed. I asked mom, she said normally it can last 50 days but I'd been in the village for almost 60 days plus..and still the fire is still marah...can U believe it...breakfast surely I'll boil water, then lunch I'll cook my meal, and dinner I'll heat it up, I guess I'm cooking more frequent than mom, yet the gas can last so long, I really feel it is God that keep that too...

I really experienced so much of His goodness here. And I am not a hypocrite!  I am sinners saved by grace, and despite all my shortcomings, God still love me. And  I know I am slowly improving and I know I am going to make it through in life victoriously. I have many many many weaknesses, and I know God will vindicate me. Many times I felt unworthy, but God have always restore my confident in Him. Man would pull me down, situation would make me succumb to it, nevertheless, God is still faithful and I'm still work in progress...im not a ingredients which can be altered by anyone, but fully belong to Him, a royal priesthood, a chosen generation that would march forth for His glory. Thank You Jesus for such assurance !