Kemabong for Kalimaran

It's Friday, 14 Aug 2015, 2.24pm, and I'm down at kemabong again, super super hot here 😓 and now at govt Klinik kesihatan. It's really sad that even within village, the staff that work a clinic can be lazy and told me all dr are at kursus now and no doctor now, only pembantu dr is here, then I told her I'm from outstation and she asked me am I teacher, and I say yes, straight away her expression change, and become so friendly and say ok cikgu, ada seorang doctor sini...Lord, let this dr be a good one. I really don't wanna live with this pain. Am I not trusting you enough that I came and see Dr? If I don't come down here, I guess I won't purposely ask villager to fetch me down here for consultation. 

Lord, I claim your healing! Let the prognosis be good. 

Been so used to staying up at village and seems like my home already. 

Hihi, I lost 5kg in 3 mths, now only 50kg..blood pressure, 123/70, ok bah, no longer low pressure like last time already, haha...

Ok continue back my story while waiting for see dr. Ya, my home at kg kapulu...And I feel so reluctant to go down to kemabong probably coz the condition of the house is worst. Although have line, but there's no electricity, so when batt flat is no point also la, sigh! 

Oh seen the pembantu dr, really no doctor at the whole of kemabong, coz they on kursus, apa la!

And have i judge the staff just now? Lord, forgive me ! 

He gave me antibiotic cream, ponstan and nerve medicine, all have to take after food and I'm fasting 40days...Lord, how la...make do with whatever I can. He asked me to go Tenom...if I have friend at Tenom I would have gone...but don't have :( so only trust God la...perhaps this is another test of my faith again...

12 Aug 2015

Ystd I prayed for one of the villager who is sick, they told me she was from SIB last time, now terlantar at hospital...I told them whether SIB or RC or Islam, we should also pray when hear someone is sick...so we did pray, this morning I wanna continue to pray w them and they said she oredi passed away, my heart was challenged again....God, how come when I pray, nothing happen one? Few times I prayed for those who is sick but they don't really got better? And my own wrist is also painful for months, and now I is swollen already 😢, feeling sad, but I still have to hang on to Him! Is it that I don't have the healing annointing? Or there are many doubts in me? Have I actually dealt with my dad's disease and trust God still is healer? I guess it has been dealt with, and I know God is still in control, just sometimes situation just discourage you. 

Am I doing things in my own strength ka? What can I improve? Well, life really have many ups and downs, but always have to keep looking to the cross. I guess the hardest things for me is to surrender and release all to Him! Easy to say but when reality hit, hard to do it...learning and continue to learn, as long as I don't and won't give up, I know in the end God will vindicate me...help me Father to continue to persevere on!!!!

11 August 2015

Yesterday night I finally broke down and cry.....the last time in the village I cried was because I was so touched with what the Lord have been doing in my life..and also when sharing with the Ibu's of my life testimony and Gods word...this time I was sorrowful, not because I'm not happy in the village, but slowly I had lost myself in the doubts of my heart. I have been again questioning what am I doing here and why am I going to Ahuron next. Will it make any difference...to the point I thought of packing my bag and just leave..I am telling God I just don't feel I can do this anymore...and then I slept so soundly after that. It's so real what I listened at the seminar about missionary care, when we not strong enough in the lord, we would leave the ministry feeling bitter and broken... 

I woke up early morning and I forced myself to read His Words and continue to pray and Matt 10 ministers to me. God reminded me how his disciples are being martyr for being His disciples and how have they stood the time...and what I'm doing here is just abit of what the disciples did, why should I be so afraid of the arrows that flies by day and pestilence that stalks in the darkness? Why should be be questioning what I'm doing here when I had seen so so much of Gods evident goodness to me? I repented and ask the Lord for forgiveness..and I know He would lead me to higher ground and I just need to press on. Of course in ministry there are ups and downs, the more we want to do Gods work, the more challenges I will face, and I have to count it all joy...Lird, let Your joy be my strength always and forever...

My sunday sch kids, getting lesser and lesser..mayb what I teach is not so interesting and the guy all cabut...anyway, I just have to believe whatever I had sown will not go in vain.

Counting the days to go Ahuron and to the Sarawak mission trip as well...

Fruit of my labor

Today I'm very encouraged with what Martha said...they feel the lost of me leaving them soon, I felt the same, but I told them to continue on reading His words. And Martha said, tidak pandai lagi. Somehow don't know how, out of nowhere I asked her to get the Murut Bible. And I start reading their Murut bible...and then I teach them how to improve the reading of BM bible. Since they can eja and know a lot of sukukata, I asked them to read Murut bible more than BM, coz they may not understand fully the BM words but with the sukukata that they had learned they could actually read and understand the Murut Bible. And Martha seems to understand what I talk and she mentioned tht before this, she can't even read, now sudah boleh baca sikit sikit, I really felt so encouraged, that what I taught is useful, although only 2 or most 4 out of 12 students really know and progress when I teach. I really see that those really have the heart for people and God, they progressed fast and could grasp what I have been teaching them. Same with Utuf, the one at slower class, though slow, but really can see her progress, and each time when I shared at perjumpaan Ibu, she would be quite receptive to the Words and I could see her in tears...I believe orang kampung also have their difficulties, but they had learn to supress it, like no one understand them. I wish I can do more, but guess I don't think that even if I stay longer here it would bring much impact, in turn probably their reliance would be on me more...so it's just the right timing to move on to another village.

Praise God that I had obtained my flight ticket to US and I don't have much time to really prepare, 5 days after touchdown I'll be off to US...Lord, help me to prepare myself well for it. Am hoping for a group to visit me before I depart to ahuron, but guess tak sempat liao...don't know how's life at Ahuron, Lord, help me to continue to keep my head up high.

This is the houses at another end, sometimes when kebudayaan is not available I'll teach in this abandon house..am quite used to sit on dirty ground..and use whatever means to teach. 

Am slowly moving to words in the bible to help them progress is reading the bible. And that's the blue recycle bag that I have always carry with me during class.

Haha, this is what I'm going to teach for tomorrow Sunday sch...cool eh..and also tomorrow again im sharing at the Ibu's meeting, and last minute I just prepared before I came to school. God is good, still im thinking how nice if im serving here with my other half. I guess it's quite difficult unless I marry a missionary...hmm...His will be accomplished in my life...

Gonna teach this tomorrow to the Ibu's, pray that they will be receptive to the words..

This is biji kopi, haha, first time seeing it..

And this is my dinner just now, the cauliflower last for 4 days already without fridge, haha...sometimes I really really feel God kept things fresh for me...some of my food which kept overnight is not spoil so far, I can reheat it up and eat. And my tong gas, since 2nd May until now, it has not been changed. I asked mom, she said normally it can last 50 days but I'd been in the village for almost 60 days plus..and still the fire is still marah...can U believe it...breakfast surely I'll boil water, then lunch I'll cook my meal, and dinner I'll heat it up, I guess I'm cooking more frequent than mom, yet the gas can last so long, I really feel it is God that keep that too...

I really experienced so much of His goodness here. And I am not a hypocrite!  I am sinners saved by grace, and despite all my shortcomings, God still love me. And  I know I am slowly improving and I know I am going to make it through in life victoriously. I have many many many weaknesses, and I know God will vindicate me. Many times I felt unworthy, but God have always restore my confident in Him. Man would pull me down, situation would make me succumb to it, nevertheless, God is still faithful and I'm still work in progress...im not a ingredients which can be altered by anyone, but fully belong to Him, a royal priesthood, a chosen generation that would march forth for His glory. Thank You Jesus for such assurance ! 

It's Saturday 8/8/2015

This few days had a lot of dream, which I asked the Lord for, but I couldn't get what's the meaning of the dream. Keep asking and I believe God gonna show it to me.

Thank God for the opportunity to make new friend and encourage one another...can U believe that the teachers actually rent this pangsa for RM350. Feel that it's so much better to stay up village than staying at this place although it has electricity and line. Water is not clean though.

End of this month im gonna be at Ahuron, it would be another phase of kampung life as I need to readapt again to new enviroment and the place is without line and wifi...hope I can tahan, probably it's good for me as well coz it's where all the distraction will ceased. 

Please pray for me, my wrist been aching for quite long and now my whole right hand from shoulder is also painful. Just have to keep trusting God for healing. 

Now I have to speed up lesson with adults and also the kids...learning to impart Gods word more to them...not sure this 3 months stay have I actually reach out to them...well, I guess I had done my best, the rest leave to God.

There is no condemnation in Christ, my friend have just reminded me..coming from a low self esteem little girl till now, I'm still learning, learning to tell myself I'm deeply loved, highly favored and greatly blessed by Abba Father. Sometimes many voices would tell me I'm not good, I guess in life there would not be a person who would walk through with you except for Lord Jesus Christ. Human will always fail me but God never. Regardless whatever that happened in past, God had redeemed it out of me and i should not allow the enemy to sow seed that would destroy the plan God have for me. I know many people God have brought along my life, some to encourage, some to drive me crazy, but all this is for my good and I just gonna believe it would all happen for good for those who love Him- Romans 8:28.

Can't wait to be back home and then have another one month away from all, sitting at feet of Jesus and learn. God, you are good to me, despite all that I went through, I know, You are still faithful, refining me in all areas of my life so it come out pure as gold.

A snapshot before I sleep, haha

The Real God, One Ever So So Faithful

Can't help but to send this blog up now...I am just amazed at how God proof Himself so faithful to me. I have been quite weary ever since I came back to KK..and even more worry when I know I'm going to come in alone to village on my own..the enemy really know how to get ppl to succumb to situation and I'm one of those who worry much but today, I just want to fall on my knees...that He proof Himself so so faithful to me.

When I was up at the bus, I just want to cry my heart out, wanted to just sleep and don't care what's next, yet I met one lady who sat beside me...and there are plenty empty seat around, and I could easily have my own space at the empty seats but somehow my heart told me I must talk to this lady, so I did and I share my faith to her, what I'm doing and why..and she begin to open up for me, and she mention of her sis condition in hospital, again, I struggle, should I pray for her..coz my heart really don't feel like it, anyhow I obeyed, and she say she dun want prayer now, so I said I'll pray for her at my own quiet time...after that I begin to think of how to contact some people back at Ahuron for me to be station there by end of this month...and also how to get to kemabong...but deep in my heart, I know I can only surrender...coz when I really do I know God works wonder...right after I got down from the bus, I walk few minutes around and phone rang, it was the Tadika teacher at Ahuron, they are at Tenom and can bring me to kemabong...I really wanna cry when I hear that...that is how real God is in my life. When I came down from kapulu, God sent anak Ketua kampung to fetch me, now when go back also He had also assigned ppl to take me, beyond what I really can foresee. Almost reaching kemabong the car broke down, that's how the enemy trying to discourage me, but I know that God is still in control of my life..and I give thanks...and someone else got me to kemabong, and the rest are history...how can I doubt further that what I'm doing at kapulu is probably not what God want me to be...it showed so clearly that God is in it! 

No matter what life situation is, He is still in control :) really so amazed at the work of His hand! 

Lord, thank You for your hand upon my life, am so grateful that You loved me so much that You have always been a refuge for me, help me to continue to trust in You, whatever that is bothering me, Lord You also know it all...praise You Father! 

Nice and comfy bus :) 

4 August 2015

Back to KK again after good catch up with friends at Sibu and miri. All alone at mission house again, this time with less activity and meeting up friends coz I really needed so much rest from the trip. Am glad to be back at the solitude with Jesus. Will be travelling to Tenom tomorrow and day after back to Kapulu, pray after a good break I'll be back with more insights and am able to relate more to the villagers. Not sure where do I go from here, but guess I just needed to trust God and keep going. Felt that God is really breaking me and moulding me and a lot of obstacles would come along the way when I'm all out to serve Him. Last Sunday, had good walk with dogs, yea I guess the fear is all a matter of mental block...quite fun though walking with the dog and also talk to him, although he don't understand...but at least this cute little dog name Moo Moo kept me company, I guess I would agree that dog can be man's best friend...no wonder some of my friends could really sleep with the dog...haha...

Last week before leaving to Sibu I attended SIB and I kept reminding myself to get NECF booklet for me to begin another 40 days fast for nation. But unfortunately I forgot. Ystd I joined one of my friend in cg and there she go, asking who don't have the book yet, God really know what's best for me...

And we had such significant act in the cg, feeling quite funny as first time I'm there and there is ppl washing my feet and I'm washing ppl feet also. That's how our Lord love us, and we ought to also do the same, but often times we failed...spirit is willing but flesh is weak. The leader shared about revival in Miri, how one ordinary teacher who went and give a short 1 hour sharing impacted the whole school...and it really encourage me to put down my fear and the thoughts of what I can do there but to continue to pray and be faithful in the little act in the village. Lord, ultimately it is You and You alone....

In Miri at my friend house, her mom also kept worrying of me, and when I talked to her my heart just cried...she felt for me of what I'm doing at village and kept telling me family and health is the most important thing in life, to certain extend yes, but what about Gods calling? I could really feel moms heartbeat through her...my friend is bless to have a mom like her that cares so much, pray that she will always be healthy...thank God for all the people I meet along the way, and esp for Gina that willing to accompany me all the way from KL to Sibu, Bintulu and Miri....I pray that there'll be a lot take home message too from the Lord...

It's raining now...sitting here at kopitiam and blog after some time...waiting for the rain to stop and I'll walk back home and rest. Not sure how much this lunch cost...things here really super pricy...compared with Sarawak, Sabah is more pricy..

Talked to mom yesterday too, praise God that I could feel she is opening to the idea of me serving at Sabah...pray that God will direct my path further...

With God all things are possible...